I've done a little research, and what I've
discovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted
felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow
up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all
bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than
50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza
ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes
are committed within 24 hours of eating

5. Bread is made from a substance
called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse. The average
American eats more bread than that in
one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no
bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer,
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive.
Subjects deprived of bread and given only
water to eat begged for bread after as little
as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item,
leading the user to "harder" items such
as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water.
Since the human body is more than 90
percent water, it follows that eating bread
could lead to your body being taken over
by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high
as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of
heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly
unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical

In light of these frightening statistics,
we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast"
campaign, complete celebrity TV spots
and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to
pay for all the societal ills we might associate
with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any
primary colors (which may appeal to children)
may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones
around schools.

Remember: Think idiotically, act globally

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