A satire -- we hope -- courtesy of the Project Safe Skies mailing list. ============================================================ Daniel J. Boone, Lawyer [EMAIL PROTECTED] ============================================================ "No man's life, liberty, or property is safe when the legislature is in session." -- Olongo Featherstone-Haugh ============================================================
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FAA is set to unleash a firestorm of criticism early next week when it issues a directive to airlines calling for "close, hands-on inspection" of all women with large breasts who are checking in for flights. The agency had considered this step for some time, as is quite easy to conceal large amounts of C-4 inside a brassiere, but after last month's incident when a terrorist concealed explosives inside his shoes, the FAA feels it has no choice but to proceed. Tests have shown that a 42D bra can easily contain sufficient explosives to fatally damage a 747. And many bras, especially the very popular Wonderbra, have wire harnesses built in which can easily be adapted to a detonation mechanism. "The problem is not the size of the mammaries, per se, but to determine if what is inside them is indeed, the real thing, so to speak. Breasts have a certain feel, a certain consistency of texture, which is far different from C-4, and about the only way you can determine if the real thing, as it were, is to subject them to a vigorous pat-down and squeeze," an agency spokesman said yesterday. Critics, especially NOW, have been quick to voice their opposition. "It's profiling, it's sexist, and it's discriminatory," NOW's legal counsel reported. "And besides, it's not the chest measurement, it's the CUP size that counts. Everyone knows a 32D is far more dangerous than a 38AA." NOW is going to write to Atty General Ashcroft to demand that he personally take a hands-on approach to developing standards for these inspections. "As women, NOW recognizes the need for enhanced security, but come, on, this is a dangerous jiggling of our Constitutional rights." NOW has stated that they will advise all their members to refuse to be patted down and squeezed, rather they will suggest that their members remove their blouses and bras at the check-in gate to prove that they are not concealing any contraband. When told of this, the FAA spokesman responded, "YEEECCCHHH! Have you ever seen these NOW ladies?" Aside from increased airline safety, another positive from this new directive is an expected quintupling of the number of applicants for the position of security screeners at airports. Indeed, demand for applications is so high that the government is considering lowering the starting salary. Said Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta, "Obviously, if you have a popular job position, where people are beating down the door to apply, you don't have to pay a competitive wage. This could save the government, and ultimately the airlines, billions each year" In a related development, it is expected that Hollywood celebrities like Madonna, Pamela Anderson, and Jennifer Lopez, will soon abandon their private jets, in order to fly commercial. Paparazzi are already scoping out the best locations. The new security procedures will no doubt result in lengthy delays. "Before, when we had delays at airports, we would say that planes were 'stacked up,'" one FAA wag noted, though off the record. "This gives a whole new meaning to the term 'stacked,'" he snickered. When asked what was the FAA's policy on breast implants, the spokesman said that were well aware of the question and were studying it avidly, but "they needed more time to get their hands around the size of the problem." Finally, the White House has announced that former President Bill Clinton has volunteered his services free of charge to train Airport Screeners. --- > PROJECT: SAFE SKIES MAILING LIST > PROJECT: SAFE SKIES WEBSITE http://www.projectsafeskies.org > List Moderator: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > TO UN/SUBSCRIBE: send blank email with command as subject
