Another reality show coming to the Fox Network in a couple of weeks. This
one is going down in Houston, Texas. It�s called "Mercedes Fear Factor.�
She (Clara Harris) was sentenced to 20 years in prison today. Clara Harris
told the court she regrets what she did. She says she will always think of
her husband every time she has pancakes.
Today in Miami O.J. Simpson was spotted at a Home Depot store buying duct
tape and plastic sheeting and the cashier asked him, "Are you concerned
about a terrorist attack?� and he said, "No I�m breaking up with my
girlfriend.�
Our department of Homeland Security is asking civilians to develop
emergency plans for a terrorist attack, so basically what we�ve done here
is we�ve created the Department of Homeland Security to tell us we�re
screwed, we�re on our own.
People are getting into it � in fact, a new store opened down the street
from me today. It�s called "Duct Tape, Batteries and Beyond.�
That�s what they told us yesterday � to buy duct tape and plastic sheeting
to cover our houses. This is Homeland Security. Sounds more like Home Depot
security.
Cover our house with plastic and tape ... now everyone�s house will look
like Tonya Harding�s place.
Luckily, France and Germany still say they are still our allies. You know,
the same way Bill and Hillary are husband and wife.
Police in France have arrested four men with cell phones that can shoot
bullets. � This is the latest scary thing now, a cell phone that can shoot
bullets. This sounds like something Robert Blake would invent � he could
shoot his wife and make dinner reservation all at the same time.
The only problem with these cell phone guns is you can�t shoot anybody in a
tunnel.
What happens when you shoot somebody by mistake? "Wrong number! Sorry,
wrong number!�
Some sad news � the founder of the Holiday Inn motel chain has passed away
at the age of 90. They said he checked out just before noon.
He�ll be laid to rest next to a very loud ice machine.
It is cold here! It�s been cold here since Labor Day. You think it�d start
to get better, but today it wasn�t and we�re just tired of it now. It was
so cold today that the hookers in Times Square were handing out flannel
condoms.
One of the semi-finalists on the "American Idol" show was kicked out of the
competition after it was found out that she had posed for a porn Web site.
This marks the first time that anyone was too sleazy for a Fox show.
In Washington, D.C., the White House has been put on alert and has been
surrounded by tanks, troops, snipers and anti-aircraft guns. It�s called
Code Hillary!
Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With
France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?
In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,
housing, education � anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing. He finally
comes up with a domestic agenda � and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring
that here if it works out.
Earlier today Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll
of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a
terrorist attack. Who came up with this idea, MacGyver?
I mean, if plastic is so good at stopping radiation, why does it melt when
I put it in the microwave?
Today the Academy Award nominations came out. This is a very important
ritual in American life. This is where really good-looking rich people who
are constantly being told how wonderful they are, are singled out for more
praise.
The Academy Awards nominations are out. The awards will be watched in 113
nations � all of which hate us.
More stars are due at the Oscars this year due to prison overcrowding.
In Britain, they're considering banning all convicted pedophiles from ever
using the Internet. How about banning pedophiles from giving creepy
interviews on "20/20"?
I guess you know, President Bush is once again getting tough with Iraq. He
said today we have to stop Saddam Hussein from playing hide-and-seek with
his weapons. Hey, we can't even stop Michael Jackson from playing
hide-and-seek with his weapons.
We are on Terror Alert Orange. We rounded up that stoned Dell guy.
