Posted by: "LaVigne, Evelyn" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> I got a kick out of that one... Evelyn > Dear Santa, > > I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. > I don't need diamond > earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. > I only want one little > thing, and I want it deeply. > > I want to slap the living crap out of Martha Stewart! > > Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't permanently scar her. I just want to give > her one bone-rattling smack, across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy > inside just > thinking about it. > > Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for > thousands of women across the > country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be > giving a gift to us all. > > Those of us leading average, garden variety lives > aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves > if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style > for dinner. > > We're tired of Martha showing us how to make > centerpieces from hollyhock > dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of > liquid gold. Unless it's of the > furniture polish variety. > > We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, > spiced with turmeric. Most of > us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out > what to do with it. > > OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little > harsh. But I'll bet with all > the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview > with Martha in last week's > USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room > on the page for her ego. > > We discovered that not only does Martha avoid > take-out pizza (she's only > ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No > cold pizza? Is Martha > Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she > could microwave it, she > replied, "I don't have a microwave." > > The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said > this "in a tone that > suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. > Imagine that, Santa! > > That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in > which I've learned to make > complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, > has been declared > undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The > coffee maker? > > In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets > of dishes adorning an > entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you > spell "overkill"? And neatly > put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the > dishwasher, that qualifies as > "put away" in my house! > > Martha tells us she's already making homemade > holiday gifts for friends. > "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for > everyone," she boasts. Not > just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's > obviously not shy about > giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, > she does so with such > frequency that one has to wonder if her back is > black and blue. > > She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour > for the 90s", and says her > most glamorous friends are "interested in stain > removal, how to iron a > monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one > piece of advice, Martha: > "Get new friends." > > Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They > drift past the Greek Islands > on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. > They step out for the > evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by > tuxedoed chauffeurs. They > do not spend their days pondering the finer art of > toilet bowl sanitation. > > Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of > America's 25 most influential > people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother > Theresa, Madeline Allbright and > Maya Angelou, no doubt). > > The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought > white-fleshed peaches in > the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy > them. In an instant, they > were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to > jump off a bridge. > > A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha > gets up early to rollerblade > with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for > breakfast. This confirms > what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's > obviously got too much > time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to > rollerblade. What a show off. > > If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how > Martha treats her friends: > She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf > Everyman Library. It didn't > cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. > But what price friendship, > right? > > When asked if others should envy her, Martha > replies, "Don't envy me. I'm > doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You > shouldn't envy teachers. You > should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a > seam in Martha's ego at this > point, because once the hot air came hissing out, > it couldn't be held back. > > "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It > is only admirable. Never > lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web > Page on the Internet, > Martha declares herself an "important presence" as > she graciously helps > people organize their sad, tacky little lives. > > There you have it, Santa. If there was ever > someone who deserved a good > smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get > my gift this year. > > You probably want to smack her yourself. > > Sincerely, > > Marilyn J. Stark >
