So far, all the good responses seem to say, basically, pay more money. The 
system76 and zareason (and base model Dell and Lenovo) laptops start around 
$700 minimum.

What I really want is exactly this:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=1TS-000X-000J1

With a different OS.

A few years ago, they sold laptops like these in Toys-R-Us, as laptops for 
kids, that you didn't have to worry about viruses. (Which is slightly 
misleading, but not entirely).

So far, what I'm inclined to do, is go to a local store such as Microcenter or 
BestBuy, ask them what their return policy is, create a "dd" image of the 
internal hard drive before first power-on, and then simply blow it away with a 
linux installer. See what happens. 

If I return one because I don't like it, I won't be in any trouble. If I return 
two, they might be suspicious. If I return three, they might give me a hard 
time.

Depending on the store, sometimes you can say, "Can I buy 3 laptops, and then 
return 2 after I decide which one I like best?"
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