Hey folks, I read this on Ishkur earlier and thought it might bring a smile.......
, VT Squire
New Legislation
Above: a crackhouse. |
"You're either with us, or you're with the amphetamines".
Because in addition to fighting pills, the government also wants to get rid of raves which for some fucked up reason their troglodyte minds have surmised are responsible for the pills' infiltration behind enemy lines. Right: removing raves will get rid of ecstasy. And removing France will get rid of the french.
Throwing the baby out with the bathwater has always been the just policy of ignorant asshats in the past. That's what ravers are complaining about. Their chief complaint: You can get ecstasy anywhere, not just at raves. Cracking down on raves will neither diminish nor eliminate the use of fun drugs. Uhhhh....hello, ravers. Guess what: Congress knows this. You aren't telling them anything they don't already know. Such is why that after the RAVE Act gets passed, the US government will then propose other similar bills designed to protect America's youth from having unauthorized fun:
Repelling Opiate Convenience to Kids or ROCK Act
Loud rock concerts these days are almost entirely sponsored by alcohol and tobacco manufacturers--concerts being attended to by susceptible minors who don't smoke or drink until they see the advertising. Then once they do, they become a nuisance to this country's wellbeing, exhibiting systems of deviant, aggravated behavior and committing acts of vandalism and rebelliousness that has since become a cyst in the moral fiber of America. So to protect the young people of today from such harmful legal drugs, this act will ban all rock concerts where underage drinking or smoking is seen, heard, smelled, or imagined. Further aims to ween all youth off drinking and smoking will be the removal of cigarettes from gas stations, and the dismantling of liquor stores, so that our impressionable young folk can't get at them.
Reprehending America's Problems or RAP Act
Clearly, one of the major pains facing America today is crime. Specifically, crime by black people. Fostered by their love of that demon rap music, which celebrates drugs, sex, gang life, violence, and blatant disrespect for authority, all with a bevy of 4-letter words that encourage dissent and breaking the law. This act runs under the clearly evident belief that if you get rid of the rap music, then you'll get rid of the black people, and most importantly, the crime committed by those black people that make our inner-city neighborhoods so unsafe today.
Protecting Unamerican Notions from Korrupting youth or PUNK Act
Ideas are one of the biggest dangers facing the solidarity of the American people today, in a time where it is paramount that we stay united in our fight against whoever's not us. The advancement of "indie" culture (a plague on our free market system) and the proliferation of ideals that are counter-productive and/or a threat to American values, is something that we must stay ever vigilant about. Punk music, with its roots in anarchy, subversion, and uncaring populist rebelliousness, is the main culprint behind such unamerican activities. This act's premise is simple: outlaw the punk music and indie culture scene, labelling it no better than domestic terrorism, so that all dissent can be rooted out and squashed.
Preventing Ritualized Out-of-wedlock Mating or PROM Act
Highschool dances and proms are typically the backdrop behind one's lost virginity, which then introduces many young girls (and boys) into a life of premarital sexuality and promiscuity. This leads to broken families, abortions, unfulfilled lives, unwanted children, and many things that are disruptive to the modern day American nuclear family compact. The PROM Act's purpose is to remove from teenage educational institutions all proms, dances, and social functions outside of athletics (and maybe even athletics, if deemed necessary) where it is suspected that copulation among minors is taking place or has the potential to take place later on in the night.
With these new acts employed, the American government will be more ready than ever to face the challenges of the ever-changing ladscape that is modern youth culture. Whenever kids get together they are obviously up to no good, and whatever they're doing must be stopped or else it will take over the world or something. And we can't let that happen. Oh, of course not. Way to go, Congress, and by Congress I mean 'flaming asshats'.
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