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Welcome Home
Part 1
A Four Part Series for Our Troops Coming Home
Making Life "Normal" Again
Now that you have been home a few weeks, the rush of excitement you
felt stepping off the plane or ship has probably begun to fade a little. The
flags have been put away, the bands have stopped playing, and the newspapers
are focusing on other things. Your life has suddenly become very private again,
giving you the chance to put things back in order.
Where do you start? How do you begin making life normal again, when
"normal" now means something completely different than before you received your
orders? You are not the same person you were before you left, and neither are
the people you love and work with. How do you make sure your reunion and the
time afterward are "mentally healthy"?
Begin by realizing that your reunion is more than just coming home;
it's a major event in your life and for those around you-maybe even bigger than
the separation. In fact, research shows that reunion can cause more stress in
people's lives than deployment. That's not to say that returning Service
members and their family and friends are not happy about the homecoming-they
are usually ecstatic. The stress comes from the changes that have taken place
and concern about what life will be like after you have been separated.
Stress is normal, but if it goes unrecognized and unmanaged, it can
lead to serious physical and mental health problems, or show itself through
alcohol abuse or domestic problems. If handled correctly (which really is not
very hard), it can be turned into a source of energy and enthusiasm about
starting a brand-new life with your family and friends. In fact, most people
find that separation and reunion can actually be a constructive experience.
Changes
Although the changes that have taken place in your family members
and friends may seem negative or even threatening at first, they are almost
always improvements. Changes to expect:
a.. More independence. Those at home or at work were forced to
become more independent in your absence. They have taken on new
responsibilities, made their own decisions, and set their schedules. As a
result, they have become more confident and proud of their accomplishments- you
might even feel hurt that they did so well on their own. Try to feel proud of
their growth, acknowledging it with positive words.
b.. New rules. Things have changed at home while you were gone,
including the rules and procedures the family uses to keep things going. Some
were temporary "amendments" to the old rules to compensate for your absence,
while others arose because the needs of your family changed. In either case,
don't rock the boat. The rules that are no longer needed will fade away and
those that stay probably have a good reason.
c.. New roles. Those at home had to take on your roles, and
reversing them immediately to the way they were before the deployment is not
easy or even advisable. Take some time to renegotiate the roles that each of
you play in the family or relationship.
Mixed Feelings
Separation and the changes it brings about can create strong-and
what may seem like conflicting-emotions in you and those you care about. You
may feel complete happiness about being home and at the same time worried that
you might not fit back in. Those at home might be extremely excited about
having the family together again, even though they are worried, you might
resent some of their growth and accomplishments and try to "take over"
everything. These mixed feelings are normal, healthy responses to separation
and reunion, and usually require nothing more than a little time to sort out.
Common Coping Strategies
Every individual and family will have a unique situation to
address. Some of you are returning to spouses, to children, to parents, to
civilian jobs, or to all of these things. Each part of the life you are
returning to will require special attention from you and those around you. Even
so, there are some common strategies you can use to ease this period of
transition, regardless of your personal circumstances:
a.. Communicate. The key to making the transition a healthy one
is to discuss everything openly. Communicating openly is not easy for most
people, but it is vital that everyone make an honest effort to talk about (and
listen to) each other's experiences while avoiding the "I had it worse"
syndrome.
b.. Approach each other as equals. At home or at work, avoid the
"I'm home and I'll take charge" or the "I'm not budging" attitudes. The fact
that everybody managed to cope during the deployment does not mean that
everybody enjoyed it. Focus on the fact that now you can do things together.
c.. Find out what new skills everyone has learned. Make a point
to learn how everyone has grown during the deployment- and use it as the
starting point for new personal (or professional) relationships.
d.. Be patient. Starting over will be difficult for everyone.
e.. Arrange quiet time. For the first month or so, set aside a
regular time to discuss the past few days and any questions or concerns that
have come up. At home, this can be done over dinner with family. At work,
schedule a meeting or set aside 20 minutes at lunch to talk things over with
your boss or co-workers.
f.. Stay positive. Keep criticism to a minimum; if it cannot be
avoided, keep it constructive. Even if you do not agree with decisions that
were made during your absence, remember that you probably do not know all of
the circumstances, and that these decisions were made under a great deal of
stress.
g.. Don't expect old problems to have gone away. If you were
having difficulties with people or situations at home or at work before you
left, it's not likely that your being away solved them. On the other hand,
being away can give you a chance to look at things from a new perspective. The
growth that you and those around you experienced during the deployment may
better equip you emotionally and psychologically to face old problems.
Acknowledgments
Our thanks to the American Red Cross for this information.
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