The Best Fruit Cake Ever
Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good isn't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it
must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour 1
cup into a glass and
drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at
this parsnicular point
in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't
lookin'. Open second quart
if nestessary.
Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups of fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets
shtuck in peaters, just pry
the monsters loosh with a drewscriver. Example the whikstey again, shecking
confistancy, then
shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a #@*!.
Chample the whitchey shum more. Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped
sputter and
shrained nuts. Add 100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest
and mix well.
Greash ubben and turn cakey pan to 350 decrees.
Now pour the whole pissin' mesh into the washin' machine and set on Sinsh.
Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.
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