The Mystonian TownCrier Editorial Page
The views expressed below do not necessarily represent the collective views held at this newspaper. However, they may and such may or may not be stated. All comments, questions, and leads on the latest news and entertainment can be sent expressly to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
The End of an Era - Dashing Djonen to Retire
Axel Djonen, Her Majesty's Royal Kennel and Falconer Master, has announced his retirement before this week's end. After twenty-eight years of loyal service, sources report, the loyal servant of the crown wishes to return to his home near Vekkelmaril. Master Djonen is known about the castle for his way with the Ladies in Waiting, often catering to their particular needs while on organized hunts. The female reaction to Djonen's retirement was nothing short of devastation. However, Master Djonen offered the small condolence that he is to be succeeded by his nephew, Krice Djonen, a fellow woodsman of the area around Vekkelmaril. The younger Djonen reportedly has a great deal of skill with animals and hunting. Will the same prove true with the ladies?
Queen Janessa Says "Burn It to the Ground!"
Are we ever glad she is not talking about the TownCrier offices! Here is the true word account from an anonymous garden worker of the most devastating destruction of a living monument to take place in recent Isles history. Her Majesty called for the removal of the Maze of Hedges in the Royal courtyard gardens of House Molentia. Speculation abounds as to why the glorious ancient maze was torched and pulled by its roots from the ground. Was it because Alesians don't care for things that are intricate, alive, and beautiful? Perhaps to make way for the vast amount of guests who are about to surge upon the grounds for the upcoming nuptials?
Yet the Queen, who would apparently not listen to argument from the head groundskeeper regarding her demand, has not been seen sharing any sort of affection with her Alesian Prince since last we broke the startling story that Paralor may be spreading his attention around the castle. Rumors abound now that a ghost is about the premises of the castle, although we ponder if the powers that be aren't simply floating that theory to counterbalance the truth of the matter. As always, the Queen's high guard, the Royal Elites, simply stated "no comment" when asked for their thoughts.
The Alesian Prince has been observed most notably practicing with his new shipment of throwing spears. Those in the know state that his aim improves with each round, and he's always accompanied by his Alesian valet, Igvar, whose name we believe may mean "man lover" in Alesian. Is he perhaps preparing for battle against a ghost? Although normally quiet, Paralor's favorite word in these practicing rounds of spear throwing seems to be "T-o-v." You tell us, does that not sound like a term of endearment for his servant?
I Want to Talk About Me
The lyrics from a recently composed complaintive tune, straight from the Castle bards themselves, have found their way to our desks! Perhaps this captures the mood of the royal household perfectly. Bards across the country are soon to be kicking up the summer dust at a tavern near you with this stomper. Learn the dance that goes with this tune and garner new respect for yourself from your family and mates alike.
<<Credit for the real lyrics goes to Bobby Braddock, performed by Toby Keith.>>
Beloved BuckEye Brutally Beaten Before a Bevvy of Beauties
Recently at Silky's Place in Alcornal, a throng of thonged ladies shrieked for the violence to stop as an elven man by the name of Vashenthiel assaulted one of our very own, BuckEye Tooth. Master Tooth, the editorial page's investigative reporter, was at Silky's on assignment when he was savagely accosted, suffering immense physical injuries including a broken leg and hip and severe emotional trauma. Poor Master Tooth was babbling for days, dear readers, about how the elven was going to cut out his tongue and sever his fingers from his hand! Can you imagine such public savageness?!
And why? All because of a harmless report that Vashenthiel was seen enjoying the company of a married woman, Kylie Jonas. Well, we do hereby humbly apologize to the brutish elven if we have aired any secrets wished to be kept private. We note nothing has come from the Jonas camp on this.
However, we can't help but ponder this rather startling behavior for a tree-hugger. Have all the years of peace started to seep into their minds and drive them insane for the taste of blood? Do be careful dear readers, you never know what lies beneath the surface of an individual.
The views expressed below do not necessarily represent the collective views held at this newspaper. However, they may and such may or may not be stated. All comments, questions, and leads on the latest news and entertainment can be sent expressly to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
