INVESTMENTS ------------ 

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the 
moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. 

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf 
clubs to invest in 

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial 
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell 

BROKER: Def 2: What you are after your Broker entices you to buy 
that new stock. 

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a 
flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. 

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked 
during the last quarter. 

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed 
to be listening to your manager's presentation. 

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells 
stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in 
theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in 
(i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this 

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock 
market, which is why your broker charges you one. 

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have 
plunged and your broker is making a margin call. 

Kind regards,

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