Various people have indicated that they feel patronized (I won't repost the messages here, in the interest of space) by my post concerning communication. In response, I said: > I didn't know that my message would sound patronizing. I'm glad to hear > people's reason why they feel the way they do. Expressions of disbelief then followed. Specifically, some of the main issues raised include: 1. blaming the victim 2. asking the victim to bend over backwards 3. denial of what women endure on a daily basis 4. telling women what their problems are 5. telling women what to do Insufficient sensitivity to some of the issues involved, poor language/written skills, and carelessness on my part have definitely contributed to the resulting noise level. I will address 1, 2 & 3 in later posts and 4 & 5 later in this post. Now first back to the issue of patronizing. On my flight back Friday, an attendant was giving extra attention to an elderly person to ensure that the seat belt was fastened. Was the attendant patronizing? Was the attendant trying to patronize? Did the elderly person feel patronized? What I'm trying to say is that there're at least three issues involed: a) whether one intends to patronize, b) whether one's action is patronizing regardless of intent, and c) whether the receiving party feels patronized. In my case, a) is not true, but c) is true at least for some. So it was only natural for me to ask whether and how b) is true in what I did. May be it was because of the noise level or the answers were in languages that I don't understand, but I still don't feel that I've `got it.' Another example, from something that Jayne Docherty wrote (no offense here, Jayne): > Much better, Wood! B- or B at least; good learning curve! ;-) If you > want an A, you'll have to try to understand the posts which were in a > language that was hard for you to understand and then try to use "our" > language yourself.... Then we'll know you "get it".... Can this be taken as patronizing? I would only take it as a good will gesture. When a language gets too difficult to use, I think people would tend to abandon it, esp those who don't already know the language. Now on to telling women what their problems are and telling women what to do. There is a difference between telling someone something and expecting the person to do as one tells, and putting forth one's idea for consideration. Again, intent and how the receiving party feels are issues. I thought the latter is what discussion lists are for and that was what I was doing. May be the noise level have obscured the message, unfortunately? Hope this helps to clear the air further. Wood
