I am sending this to the group rather than just to wood lee because I think it might be something of interest -- how to know when you're being patronizing when you don't mean to be. This is a problem for a lot of my male students, who don't understand why some women are upset, for example, by having the door held open for them. (Not all women are, which is why the men feel confused.) For many of the students, the situation becomes more clear when they read an article by a physically disabled person talking about how frustrating it is to have someone assume you can't do something, when you CAN. So, many of us might, with good intentions, offer help (cutting up food for a blind person? pushing a wheelchair?) that is not needed and be perceived as patronizing. I say this to show that it is a problem we may all encounter and which is not related to intention. How to avoid it? Ask if the person needs help. Assume that their disability/handicap/stigma does not prevent them from cognitive functioning and that they can assess whether they would like your help or not, and that the manner in which they want your help may not be the help that you were prepared to offer. (Good parallels to white workers in the civil rights movement here.) I'm still trying to get it right myself, but I think this gives some insight into why well-meaning efforts are resented -- and how the underlying good intentions may be accompanied by the unconscious assumption that you are more physically or cognitively fit than the person you are trying to help. Susan
