On Thu, 16 Mar 1995, Jonathan M Poppele wrote:
>I find the current climate of harsh language, personal
> slights and disrespect for others views both distasteful and harmful to
> our common objectives. I feel that this list has some soul searching
> ahead of it and, should I not return in a weeks time, I wish all of you the
> best.
I tend to agree with Jon. I have not said anything on the list, because
I simply have not had the time for much list correspondence of any type.
However, it saddens me very much when I see people who are really concerned
and committed to making the world a better place turn on one another. The
language of exclusion and hostility seems to me to be the language of
patriarchy and oppression. So, why are *we* using it?
Perhaps it is, as Paolo Freire has suggested, that the only image that
oppressed peoples have of what it is to be "fully human" is the image of
the oppressor. He reminds us that oppression distorts the oppressor as well
as the oppressed. To liberate ourselves -- really liberate and not just
reverse the distribution of power -- we need to liberate both oppressor
and oppressed.
Besides, in the world today, are we not very often both
oppressed and oppressor in one person? I may be oppressed because of my
gender, but I have to acknowledge that simply by participating in the
economy of the United States I am also an oppressor in relation to people
in other parts of the world. My comfortable life is based on their
oppression. My living in this country is based on the Europeans having
"taken it" from the people who were here first...
I would like to suggest one "norm" about language that we might try
adopting on the list to see if it might help with some of the problems
Jon mentions. If everyone would agree to *try* to use *I language*, I
think we might see that it is possible to have stimulating, challenging,
and creative discussions without recreating the language of oppression.
I language is based on the idea that everyone has a story to share and
those stories are valuable and worth listening to. It does not preclude
sharing negative feelings or challenging others to think more carefully or
re-think what they have said. It does not mean not telling people when
you are angry or hurt.
For example, rather than responding to something that bothered me by
saying: "I was furious with you because you demeaned me as a person by
using that term." (this is accusatory or *you* language) I can say:
"When I read your message, I felt very angry and hurt and demeaned
because _______." The *you* message is more likely to degenerate into a
"did not, did too" argument which refocuses the discussion onto the
intent of the first speaker; while the *I* message is more likely to keep
the discussion productively focused on the original issue.
I would also like to suggest a related "norm" about making assumptions
about other members of the list. If we assume that we are all in this
because we care about the same things (figuring out how to protect the
environment and create a society in which gender equity and justice are
the norm), and we assume that we are all "working this out" in our own
places and our own lives -- then we can hear one anothers' stories as
interesting and positive.... Even if they are different from our own story!
Personally, I know that I have had periods in
my life where I was very much an activist. But, I have also had times in
my life where my energies were turned in other directions. What has been
consistent in my life, however, was a committment to figuring out how to
embody and live out my ideals in different ways in different settings.
For example, when I stayed home to raise my son and run a family day
care, I did not have time for the activism of prior years. But, I tried
to create an environment in my home for the children and for their
families which embodied my ideals and invited others (who might not
otherwise have thought about some issues I find important) to share in and
experience that alternative way of being. Sometimes life is focused on
"being" and sometimes on "doing". I, at least, cannot be and do all
things at once and there are times for each. For me, the one experience
complements and completes the other.
Mary Catherine Bateson, in her book Composing a Life, uses a musical or
artistic metaphor to talk about how some fascinating women have
"composed" their lives. Their lives have been works of art or music
in which different themes have dominated at various times, but each woman
was there at the heart of her life weaving a thread or theme through her
different experiences... For all of these women, sharing and dialogue
with others -- talk which led to reflective action and active reflection
-- seemed to be important parts of the process of composition. That is
what I would like to get from this list. It *is* what I feel from the
most profound and moving posts -- the real gems which come along
sometimes regularly and sometimes like water in a desert...
Peace,
Jayne
PS I would be interested in hearing how many UNSUBSCRIBE messages have
been received lately. There have been at least two mistakenly sent to
the list as a whole in the past few weeks. Jon sent his message, which
makes at least 1 more thinking about signing off. Is this an unusually
large number and have there been a lot of other UNSUBS lately? How about
it list managers? Got any (shudder, choke) stats on this?
