> Dear VoltsJolts:  Is this really  a true story about your personal 
> experience,
yes, it is true to the point that it took a lot of courage to go
public with this.  willingly posting this to the net is like
intentionally creating a situation of raw intimate exposure of my
closest secret to others that is a nightmare right out of my childhood
fears.   

>  Are you now doing estim in a more sane way?  
no, none at all. i have truly given it up for over 15 years.  except
for some recent toy building for others (i'll post about that later)

> If  so, does it satisfy you, after you have been into such extreme
i know myself well enough to understand that nothing short of my
previous experiences would ever satisfy me again and now that i am a
more careful person i cant allow that to happen.

to be honest i am posting this story because the desire never went
away.  you can push those demons deep down inside but i dont think it
is ever going to go away unless you can talk it out.  to date, with
all my posting and writing on many boards i have never heard from any
other person who has done anything like this at any age but i have not
given up yet.








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