7 June, 2000 3.00pm pdt | Stilton Edition
Microsoft Outlines Plan For Split
BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) U.S. Judge Thomas Penfield
Jackson issued a ruling Wednesday ordering that
Microsoft Corp. be split into two companies, one for its
computer operating system business and another for its
remaining software and online operations. In a surprise
move, Microsoft has reportedly begun to plan for for its
split into two companies, instead of instantly filing an
appeal as expected. The first step involves Microsoft
ordering 15,000 meters of masking tape.
According to leaked versions of the plan, Microsoft will
divide its buildings and other properties in two down the
middle with the masking tape, thus marking the
territories of the new companies. Employees of either
company would be forbidden to cross the line for any
reason.
The plan also details the planned building alterations
(ladders, chutes, fireman poles) required so all
employees have access to bathrooms, exits, soda
machines and shrines to Bill.
Two as-yet-undetermined Microsoft executives will be
chosen as leaders. These leaders will then go through a
process known as "choosing up sides" where they will
alternate choosing from a full assembly of Microsoft
employees to form the two new companies. To decide
who will choose first, they will "shoot" odds and evens,
with the best two out of three winning the opportunity to
select first.
Equipment will go with employees to their new
company. The fate of common equipment will be
determined through a series of dodgeball games.
Half of Microsoft stockholders will be contacted and
instructed to cross out "Microsoft" and write in the name
of the new company on their stock certificates.
New, publicly available pricing structures will be based
on the mathematical system of the ancient Mayans. To
help companies who may not be familiar with the ins
and outs of this system, the two companies will provide
experts free of charge to explain things to them.
Bill Gates will remain as chairman of the OS division,
and according to the plan a mysterious and previously
unknown twin sister, Willemina Gates, has been
appointed chairperson of the second company.
"I'm all about Innovation(tm)," Ms. Gates commented.
It is suspected the OS company will retain Fear, while
the everything-else company will obtain Uncertainty and
Doubt.
