News Flash!
Microsoft Corporation today announced buying RedHat, Inc. for an undisclosed
sum. To avoid additional monopolization charges, the new company, to be
called "RedMond, Inc.", will be headquartered in the Cayman Islands.
Actually, the islands were also purchased, and are being renamed "The RedMond
Islands".
The first product of the combined company will be an enhanced release of
RedHat Linux 7.0, which will be named "LinMe". The new LinMe product will
have several ease-of-use advantages over traditional Linux:
1. All shell programs (bash, csh, tcsh, sh, etc.) have been removed, to
eliminate the fear and confusion many user experience when faced with a shell
prompt and a blinking cursor. Additionally, all terminal programs have been
removed, as have all window managers other than fvwm.
2. A patch to Netscape has been provided to allow
viruses^H^H^H^H^H^Henhancements to have direct access to your address book.
3. ioctls? We don't need no stinkin' ioctls! All device access will be
through undocumented APIs, to enhance security.
4. "/dev/null" has been renamed to "C:\". This feature is expected to make
file loss more manageable, and eliminate filesystem fragmentation.
5. The Linux kernel has been renamed to "The DOS Box", and has been modified
to allow ANY code to run in Ring 0.
6. Root? We don't need no stinkin' root! All users are now equally
God-like.
7. LinMe will be released in binary form only under the GPL (Greedy
Proprietary License). The source code does not officially exist.
Additional enhancements (such as old Win9x apps ported to the new platform)
will be listed Real Soon Now on the RedMond Web site
(http://www.WhereTheHellDoYouThinkYou'reGoing.com).
(Note: We really wanted www.LinMe.com, but that was already taken by a
typing-challenged person who was trying to register the fruit "lime" as a
domain name. We also wanted www.RedMond.com, but some city in Washington
state has got it - but we're buying that next. The city, not the domain
name. We intend to capture all their rainfall and ship it to the RedMond
Islands.)
A couple of related announcements:
1. RedMond, Inc. has also purchased a small nuisance of a company called
"NeTraverse" and has put it out of its misery, given that its primary product
is now superfluous. All former NeTraverse employees will be
shackled^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Htransferred to the LinMe Support Desk.
2. RedMond, Inc. has also purchased Transmeta just to keep Linus Torvalds
from changing the old Linux kernel any more, and to get him to stop calling
the RedMond enhancements "malicious bugs". He has been assimilated.
-The RedMond LinMe PR Dept.
