Sorry about the wasted bandwidth... > Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For > those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that > blew up and sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The > Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an > unidentified object. > > However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, > then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. > A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew > of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident > occured. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as > planned. > > While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, > salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine > which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the > explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. > > It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft > Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace > the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. > Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability > problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully > obvious: > > Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade? > > Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the > registration card. > > Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our > enemies into oblivian. > > [evil laughter in background] > > Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to > run Windows for the first time". > [long pause] > > Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th > time. > > Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. > [another long pause] > > Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A > CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. > > Captain: Where are the drivers? > > Seaman: On the CD-ROM. > > Captain: You are joking, right? > > Seaman: No Sir. > > Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this > Windows. > [another long pause] > > Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is > looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? > > Captain: I do not think so. > > Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. > [another long pause] > > Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. > > Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking > forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. > [another long pause] > > Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! > > Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user > profiles? > > Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. > > Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and > let us see how this works. > > Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. > > [another long pause] > > Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip > on it? > > Seaman: I have no idea Sir. > > Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, > Fire a Torpedo. > > Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. > > [another long pause] > > Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. > > Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! > > [intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. > > Captain: Click on the continue button. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. > > [another long pause] > > Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. > > Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. > > Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire. > > Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade. > > Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir. > > [another really long pause] > > Captain: Well? > > Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute.... > > [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on > intercom] > > Captain: WTF was that?!?!? > > Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! > > Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and > will be shut down. > > Click 'OK' to continue. > > Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? > > Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! > > Seaman: It is not responding Sir! > > Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! > > Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. > I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. > > [another long pause] > > Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not > responding. > > Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to 'end task'. > > Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. > > Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. > > Seaman: Aye Sir. > [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] > > Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! > > Captain: Holy Shit! Not the blue screen of dea.... > > [KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of > rushing water.] > -------------------------------------------------------- > The tape ends at this point. > > During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in > the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. > The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the > last of their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. The > tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into > this.
