The sad thing is..... I can totally relate to this! Except I have a 50 mile fence charger from TSC and it was my tractor.......
Chris On Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 8:29 AM, King's Kid <[email protected]>wrote: > ROTFLOL!! > > That was just what I needed this morning. > > BJ > > > When the whole world is against you paranoia is just good sense - Johnny > Fever > > > ------------------------------ > *From:* Michael B. Smith <[email protected]> > *To:* MS-Exchange Admin Issues <[email protected]> > *Sent:* Fri, July 16, 2010 8:14:10 AM > *Subject:* [OT] A Friday Funny - One Guy's lawn mower experience > > It’s been a long week. I needed the laugh this gave me. Perhaps you will > enjoy it too… > > > > > > *We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I > heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make > sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single > wire along the top of the fence.** > > **Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for > 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 > feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the > ground, the better the fence works.** > > **One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel > push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a > fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and > reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.** ** > > **It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...** > > **Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand > and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger > is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down > cow on fire on the cover.** > > **Time stood still.** > > **The first thing I notice is my penis trying to climb up the front side > of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition > firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled > over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the > engine.** ** > > **It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of** **crap** **lawnmower > were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.** > > **Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to > differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 > different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel > movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM > BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes > in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust > pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.** > > **At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto > the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let > go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad > always had those piece of** **junk** **chargers made by International or > whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.** ** > > **This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now > accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom > soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take > it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.** > > **'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!** > > **Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping > run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered > in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... > Pleeeeaze die!!'. But** ** nooooo**, it settles into the rough lumpy cam > idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting > for the go command from its owner's right foot.** > > **So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity,standing > in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.** > > **God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own > fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..** > > **I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying > on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was > later on in the day and I was badly sunburned.** ** > > **There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and > then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on > the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in > the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.** > > **Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:* > * > > **1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.** > > **2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek > (not the left, just the right).** > > **3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, don't smell as bad as > you might think.** > > **4- My left eye will not open.** > > **5- My right eye will not close.** > > **6- The lawnmower runs** **fantastic** **now.** ** **Seriously! I think > our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it > was better than new after that.** > > **7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot > long.** > > **8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of > the number 4 (I still don't understand this...???).** ** > > **That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I > appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make > sure the fence is unplugged before I mow...** > > **The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I > can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives > me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over....which also reminds me to triple > check before I mow.*** > >
