here it is:
This is so funny.
After reviewing the existing company policy I came up with the following
revision.
This is the latest revision to our group Policy effective from July 1st,
2005
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.
Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink
a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
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