Kirk, now you've got me worried. Worried enough to get in the car and drive to NO to check on you. The scary, dangerous time is when the normally troubled person suddenly exhibits peace and equanimity. It means they've made their decision and they're going to go through with it. Just in case I don't get there in time, can I have your rudraksha beads?
----Sorry I gave them to the local lama. The only strand I have left is my ten faced mala which was a gift from my wife. I don't really understand what you're saying regarding peace and equanimity as those words don't really describe me. I think it's hard to judge anyone's contents though their web posting. So much of this is just pretense. Pastime. I can emote any way I wish to be perceived. However, I choose to be me whatever that means. Fact is today we had a plumber out to the house for what seemed to be a disaster in the making and the situation turned out much better than I had hoped, so I was feeling a bit optimistic. I'm sorry for that. Now if Billy Smith, who used to be my friend would just get over himself and say, "Hi," we could all move on. It's difficult, I believe, to be frank with others. So much of our lives is just spent in putting on our mask or makeup. I have always believed that the truth was stranger than fiction so a good truth was in effect better than a good lie at covering up for itself. In other words, while I was discussing my personal plight with another member of my own family, then that member took what I said and emailed my own wife, and then she called me worried that I was worse off than I am. Frankness and candor. Cause confusion. I am sorry for writing things that sounded self defeating and perhaps slightly suicidal. I am not like that though, and I would appreciate people to hear this, that I am doing alright, and I thank you all from the depths of my heart for your concerns. Especially you L Shaddai. Considering our past. I don't consider someone my friend until we have fought and overcome. Otherwise who really knows whom? We share the same weather pretty much do we not? It was a pretty bleak and gloomy start of the week, but the sun is starting to come out. Tomorrow, I am going fishing. Fact is, I stopped smoking pot a week ago and it was really hard at first, but I came out of the detox finally. I feel better. Pot was eroding a basic sense of personality that I have always had. Weed now is way stronger than it used to be. The detox is harder than it used to be. Celexa is a pretty good antidepressant. the self deprecating and negative mind habits just magically dissappeared. Without any sort of sense of loss of personal control, emotional cover-up, and whatnot. I am happy I decided to use whatever was available proactively, and not be overcompensating by acting more in control and wonderful than I really am. You know Shaddai, I listened to your advice to relax for a couple weeks and not be too down on myself. That was good advice. I recommend it to others. I also recommend seeking whatever treatment one needs. And not relying on anyone as a guru but oneself. Apparently SSRI drugs allow the brain to maintain a slightly higher level of seratonin, if I'm not mistaken. This performs the function of allowing one to feel more 'rewarded' just on a basic level. It's a decent theory and deserves a shot. I submit my own personal history as candidly as possible in the hope that it may inspire, or motivate others who may think that being spiritual and seeing a shrink are contraindicated. In my way of thinking, if one is aiming at UNITY, then all available options are there for perusal. I think my rudraksha will be buried or cremated with me. I have given out close to 200 strands of 5 faced as gifts. And whole strands of one faced, eleven faced, gauris and more. My belief is that in passing through ones hands the traces remain even if they are no longer present materially. Moreover after Katrina I had had enough of Shiva for the moment. No offense Shiva as emptybill would have me say.
