The World Government of the Age of Enlightenment
takes pride in announcing today a new and radically
different program, one that could Change The World(tm).
After analyzing decades of research on long-term
practitioners of the TM meditation technique, what
the researchers have found is that although specific
benefits varied from meditator to meditator, one
thing seemed to remain constant. Many of these
long-term meditators had become over the course
of decades soulless, joyless prudes.
Thus we take pride in announcing the TM Prude(tm)
technique. For only $1000 (a mere 2/3 of the price
of learning the TM meditation technique), you can
now skip all that annoying sitting-to-meditate-
twice-a-day stuff and cut to the chase -- Instant
Prudery(tm).
The Benefits
The TM Prude(tm) technique involves no meditation,
and no effort on your part. (As you may remember
from TM introductory lectures, effort is a Bad Thing,
almost as much of a Bad Thing as sex.) All that you
need to practice it is a simple CD player and the
ability to not think (experience deep sleep). Just
put one of our TM Prude(tm) CDs in the player before
you go to sleep, and *as* you sleep you will be
bombarded with subliminal propaganda designed by
experts to turn you into a prude.
Within a few short weeks you will find yourself
believing (and saying in public, without the least
hint of irony) things like:
* "Sex is evil."
* "Lust is a Bad Thing."
* "Anyone who is having sex cannot achieve enlightement."
* "Only Jyotish-approved marriage can work, and even then it's better
if you don't boink."
* "Those who have sex will burn in Hell."
* "A rising lingam prevents a rising kundalini."
The benefits of such beliefs are obvious. Given the
nature of our age, and its shift away from free
thinking and back to blessedly repressed thought
and lifestyles, the TM Prude(tm) technique will allow
you to "fit in" better. You'll be able to "fit in" with
your Christian fundamentalist neighbors; no one will
be able to tell the prudish stuff you say and do from
the prudish stuff that they say and do. Heck, you'll
"fit in" in Saudi Arabia, where they have banned the
walking of pets in public because that can lead to
meeting people and having sex with them.
Yes, sign up today and learn the TM Prude(tm) technique
and soon you too can be experiencing the same benefits
that legions of practitioners of the TM meditation
technique have experienced. For a fraction of the cost,
and with none of the aggravation of having to actually
meditate.
Advanced Techniques
For those who are wondering how we're going to make the
big bucks on a technique we're only charging $1000 for,
the answer is the same as with the TM meditation tech-
nique. We plan to cash in on the demand for Advanced
Techniques to enhance your Transcendental Prudery
Experience(tm).
The first TM Prude(tm) Advanced Technique costs $10,000
and is for those who want to ascend to higher levels of
prudery. For that low price our trained professionals
will perform a castration operation on you if you are
male, and a clitorectomy on you if you are female. Then
you won't even be *tempted* by thoughts of backsliding
into non-prudery.
The second TM Prude(tm) Advanced Technique is for those
who are *serious* about abandoning sensory pleasures
(and their obvious debilitating effects) forever. For
$100,000, our trained professionals will perform a full
frontal lobotomy on the TM Prude(tm) practitioner. This
will ensure that they will never enjoy anything again
in their entire lives, just like those who today epitomize
the pinnacle of TM meditation technique achievement, the
TM Rajas. Just look at them...do they look like they
have the ability to enjoy *anything*? And you can achieve
the same highly-evolved state of mind for only 10% of the
price that *they* paid to become soulless automatons.
Sign up today. This is an opportunity you should not miss.
Your very spiritual future and the future of our planet
is at stake. Don't let Heaven On Earth(tm) creep up on
you with lustful, evil thoughts still in your mind or a
woodie still in your pants. Learn the TM Pruce(tm) tech-
nique today and you'll be fully prepared to "fit in"
with Maharishi's visionary Heaven On Earth(tm).
