A Teabagger Stimulus
by Gen. JC Christian, patriot
It's no secret Teabagger-Americans like myself are very angry
about the stimulus spending. Why shouldn't we be pissed off? We're not
stupid. We look around and see all this money being spent on socialist
work programs like roads, water treatment plants, and other
infrastructure but nothing for churches, rifle ranges, monster truck
rallies or any of the other things we hold dear.
It's time we demand that Congress give us our due, and I've come up with
a plan for how to spend that money. I want Congress to fund the
construction of giant step pyramids--like the kinds the Mexicans
have--to honor and celebrate our most cherished values.
My plan calls for four pyramids surrounding a plaza where our most
honored corporations and industry groups can sponsor protests against
government regulation.
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The Temple of Torture
Torture's become more than a politically expedient way to manufacture
evidence to support our imperial economic destiny. It's our sacred
ritual of cruelty by proxy. By constantly demanding that it be employed,
we transform ourselves into that higher being we call "the serious
person." The Temple of Torture will provide us with the kind of majestic
setting that befits such an important ritual.
The Citadel of Marriage Defense
The building atop the eastern pyramid will be split into two rooms. The
larger room, The Limbaugh Center For The Holy Covenant of Marriage, will
be a one stop wedding center where a man can marry a woman and hold the
reception all in the same room. The smaller room, The Giuliani Center
For Marriage Preparation will house a lawyer and a judge who will
perform divorces for those waiting in line to be wed.
Although the C Street Pre-Repentance Room will be hidden deep inside the
pyramid, it will be easily accessed via an elevator from the wedding
room. Grooms and bridesmaids will have no trouble finding it should they
desire a little together time. A close look at the southern wall will
reveal the fold-down Vitter Altar of Compensated Diapering for those who
require it.
The Temple of the Holy War
The largest internet cafe ever built will sit atop the southern most
pyramid. Here, patriots can serve their country by flaming liberals and
twittering their demands to bomb godless countries like Iran, Venezuela,
and San Francisco.
The Incredible Whiteness of Being
The western pyramid will be crowned by a Cracker Barrel Restaurant.
It'll be a comfortable place where people won't have to worry whether
the word "Negro" is more proper than "Afro-American" or if they should
laugh when someone shows up in blackface. Entertainment will feature a
new, live version of Hee Haw starring Jeff Sessions, Bill O'Reilly, and
the best performers from Branson, Mo.
Astroturf Plaza
Astroturft Plaza is a temporary name for the circular area in the middle
of the pyramids. It will be available to corporations and industry
groups who may rename it for the period of their lease (The NRA Armed
Revolt Mustering Area might be an example of such a renaming). The plaza
will be a full service venue supplying every astroturf need from
protesters with crudely drawn signs to live Fox News feeds.
The Well of Our Darkest Fears
Visitors who look down the well will see a set of monitors running the
latest Fox News Special Reports, including such classics as "There are
Mexicans at the Home Depot," "Oh My God, There's a Muslim at the Salad
Bar" and "They're Enjoying Sex!" For an extra fee, Astroturf Plaza
renters may dictate their own programming.
http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2010/01/teabagger-stimulus.html
