This is quite incoherent. I tried to read about 3 or 4 paragraphs and just got confused. Perhaps one has to be a part of this organisation to understand the language being used here.
--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "one.li...@..." <one.li...@...> wrote: > > An Indian Renunciate's story of life close to Ammachi in Amritapuri > > I met Mata Amritanandamayi, when I was 14 and joined the organization at > around 20. I spent a good amount of my prime years there. Regarding > the question, "What was your relationship to Amma"? I used to > think of her as my own mother, guru and god. And "How close to the inner > circle were you?" I guess I was pretty close to her but not able to > quantify it. I became involved with the ashram at a very young age. But the > Period 1999-2001 was a major contributor. We saw, many of the seniors > leaving, Swami Advaithamritha (Lakshman), Swami Amrithamayananda, Swamini > Amrithaprana, Bri.Ambamritha (Manju) And many others as well. Some of them > were very close to me. Swami Amritaswarupananda was also about to leave and > was on anti-depressants in those days.. But was sent away for a while. It was > like the whole thing falling apart. It was very painful for a person inside > to see the entire creamy layer, moving out. It also made me think a lot! I > have heard directly from Amritanandamyi herself, that Amrithaprana would > attain self realization by serving me, and lot off stuff like that. Ammachi > became more reliant on her immediate family members during that phase, it > also helped me see the human vulnerabilities of insecurity gripping her. I > confronted or rather approached her with my confusions on the meaning and > purpose of this kind of life. She started telling, don't think too much, do > your Nishkama sevanam (selfless work) and let me know openly all your > problems. Since then, it was kind of half hearted. PLEASE UNDERSTAND, it is > not just a few incidents, it is the whole experience of being there and > seeing and observing her and try to HANG ON to the faith in her. She plays > with our emotions by giving lot of attention and care at times and then > totally ignoring you for months. > > So the point is the process of losing faith is like developing cracks > on a stone (being thrashed :-) ) over time, it was gradual for me. > > Just to give a glimpse of the other face of her, during my last few > months. I had a health issue and had to go to AIMS and we were > supposed to seek her permission. She was emphatic, in replying that "I don't > know anything about u" and in a total indifferent tone. To hear it from a > person, whom you TRUST as mother, guru and god at a very stressful > time in your life is not easy. As you don't have anyone else to hold on to. > There is so much to go on. May be some other time, as reliving those > experience by narrating it is also painful at times. It just makes me > feel betrayed and it hurts beyond words and I want to move on. > All of her immediate family members have become very rich with no clear and > justifiable source of income to substantiate. No one dares to speak > anything against her family members inside the ashram. > I know lot of the insiders are contemplating about coming out > now, but don't have the confidence - thinking about, being able to get > a job, acceptance of the society etc. Needless to say, transition is > painful. > > I came out and I am very happy. My friends, family and some of my > friends (former devotees) also helped me thru it. > > I shall try to articulate my perspective and understanding on some of > these questions based on my experience there. I am also trying to be > as much as objective and factual as possible. > > It is very different and it would be very difficult to get an exposure > on her private face. I would like to put it this way. A person is > coming to see her in darshan, with his/her problem/question. She > would be (seemingly?) extremely compassionate, loving and > understanding towards the person to instill and nurture faith in Her > (especially if she sees the person important or necessary for the > organization (corporate. She would give lot of attention to your > issues.) She is amazingly intelligent, smart and also patiently > willing to go to that extra mile to make that happen. She is really > very good at that. > > Once that happens, you are opening up yourself to a wonder world of > faith (devotee), devotion and a sense of sublime surrender being > generated from a false sense of security with your relation to the > DIVINE, then more or less your sense of rationalization stops. You > start attributing some good happenings or nice coincidences in your > life as HER grace and some unfortunate incidents as wake up calls for > not being able to follow her teachings. The ideals of selfless > service would be awe-inspiring. > > Once you become blind by faith, you will find yourself relying more > and more on the feeling of devotion with her. With your intellect > being open to her teachings (spiritual?) you tend to look at life and > the world in a specific way and tend to become more and more comfortable > and moving in the "devotee" circle. > > Don't think that, the whole experience and journey is very depressing > or confusing. It is not; it gives you a real "high" especially in the > beginning. This is rather a generic process of becoming an insider. > Of course there exist many possible permutations and combinations to > it. The person becomes accustomed with the new life and moves on. > Slowly, over the years and many experiences make them feel and think > that this life is worthless and they decide to move out .It may not happen > to every one though, many are confused. Over the years, the number of > people moving out is increasing is for sure. > > Now comes the interesting part, once you tend to make a step in that > direction of moving out. You would be persuaded initially in a loving > and caring way - not to do so. But it is also directly proportional > to your level of commitment and devotion and devotion towards her. > Once she senses that you have LOST FAITH or rather have started > losing faith in HER. You could potentially see the ruthless and > the "other" face of her. Your character assassination will follow, so > that your "voice/reason" would not have any value there. Mostly she > would make your life very, very difficult inside the ashram in a very > diplomatic way. > > The devotees or disciples do feel scared to come out primarily, their > entire world was revolving around HER and HER organization which is > considered divine and to emotionally come out of it and feel the > confidence to live outside in the world is not easy for a person who > practiced "Blind Faith and spirituality". Rather, it is a shock to > realize the loss of faith. It is altogether a different topic to > discuss. But the process would be "Enlightening". > > The organization never entertains interaction between people inside the > ashram, who are renunciates with the people who have LOST FAITH as this would > be the people who can potentially encourage or confuse the people inside who > are considering leaving. > > Having said that, I would like to highlight one most important point, > she has lot of talents and skills - she could talk to a scientist and > an artist, a business man and a "common man" with equal ease and > impress upon them with her practical wisdom. She is very good in > making good calculated judgments may be even farsighted. She is > highly autocratic but able to conceal it with diplomacy. But it is > definitely human than divine. But for people (devotees) blind with > faith it is divine. I am neither a devotee nor an admirer (anymore), but > don't undermine her raw human talent and skills that she is able to > use to build her corporate empire in the "Faith" industry. It is very > very important to acknowledge that aspect of her to confront with the > much talked about pseudo Divine persona. > > I am not sure, whether it made any sense from the reader's > perspective - but it has more to it. It is only a tip of an iceberg. > > When the ashram started Amrita TV under the banner of the AEPL (Amrita > Enterprises Pvt Ltd), the money to jump start the program was pooled > from the Pharmacy at AIMS. More over, they get large volumes of > medicines from Pharmaceutical companies as free samples (in the name > of charity) and sell it to the public through the pharmacy. Think > about it, an entertainment industry supported by the money from the > poor and under privileged. It does not make sense. > > Pinarayi Viajayan is the state secretary and her daughter > were given a free admission (worth 12500$) to Amrita Engineering college. > Since then no one has uttered a word or protest against the illegal - > management fee collected by Amrita educational institutions. > E.P Maharaja given free/highly subsidized rate for heart surgery at AIMS > hospital. Remember Kerala is currently governed by communist party. These are > not the poor and needy. Grand daughter of ex- congress minister - > Balakrishna Pillai given free medical admission at AIMS (100000$). > This was when congress in power. > > I had the feeling of not wanting to be connected to the organization through > the initial period of "coming out" and I really didn't want to think or > associate with the Hugging Saint or her organization anymore. The sense of > betrayal and the sense of loss, coupled with the pressure to get back to Life > was traumatic. Especially the militant, cult mind set of the ashram > organization under her direction tend to make it even worse. >
