I was perusing my hard disk over coffee this morning and pondering recent conversations on FFL and happened to stumble upon this transcript of a BBC radio program. I thought some might find it amusing. -- Unc
******************************************************* BBC Announcer: We're here today with Reverend Josephus Recht, founder of the new church that's been in the news so much lately. It's called the Church of the Last Word and it's supposedly the hottest thing on the spiritual circuit in America right now, attracting followers from coast to coast. I want to thank you for being here with us today via telephone, Reverend Recht. Josephus Recht: My pleasure. Literally. In the Church of the Last Word, we *live* to have conversations with other seekers about enlightenment and tell them how they can realize it in this lifetime. BBC: Well, Reverend Recht... JR: Josephus. But you can call me Joe...everybody does. And your name is? BBC: Dave. JR: Good to meet you, Dave. And what exactly is your question about enlightenment? BBC: Well...uh...Joe, this is just an interview for a British radio series on modern spiritual trends called This Week's Kook. It's not as if this were really a conversation about enlightenment or as if I were a seeker begging you to tell me the true path to enlight- enment or anything. I'm here to ask you some tough questions so that our listeners can laugh at you and feel superior to someone, anyone. JR: Dave, the first thing you learn in the Church of the Last Word is that every conversation is really about enlightenment, and that every person who engages you in conversation is really a seeker begging you to tell them the true path to enlightenment. The second thing you learn is to not mind if people laugh at you. BBC: You don't mind it when skeptics laugh at you? JR: No, not at all, Dave. It doesn't bother us in the least. The laughter passes through us like a stick drawing a line in water. There is no line left after its passing, only water, as it was before. The laughter never touches us, because we know the Truth. BBC: Ah. The Truth. That gets us to the heart of the matter, Joe. What exactly is it that the Church of the Last Word teaches? What accounts for your phenomenal success, and for the hundreds of thousands of people converting to your faith? JR: Millions of people, Dave. We just passed the "six million served" mark. We're thinking of using a pair of golden arches as our logo instead of the cross. BBC: You're joking. About the arches, that is. JR: I'm joking. We haven't gotten to the real teaching yet, Dave. Here it is, in a nutshell. We of the Church of the Last Word believe that the first and only noble Truth in life, the one that will lead you most quickly to enlightenment, is that the most important thing in life is to have the Last Word in every conversation. BBC: Yes? JR: Amen. BBC: What? JR: Amen. Thank you for the interview. BBC: The interview's not over. Our time is limited, but we're just getting started. I asked you to explain further about your statement that the most important thing in life is to have the last word in every conversation. JR: But you said, "Yes." I thought that you were agreeing with me, and that that was the end of the interview. So I said, "Amen." BBC: When I said, "Yes," you automatically assumed I was agreeing with what you said? JR: Well, "Yes" is a common form of agreement, isn't it? BBC: In Britain, it's also the way one says, in mid- interview, "Go on...explain further." JR: Oh. So you wanted me to explain further. BBC: Yes. JR: Are you agreeing with me this time or asking me to explain further? BBC: Go on, please. JR: Well, Dave, let me explain by engaging you in a bit of dialogue from the catechism of the Church of the Last Word. I pose the questions, and you answer. Ok? BBC: I guess. JR: Ok. Here's the first verse of the catechism: "Assuming that there is a God, when you die, who is going to have the Last Word as to whether you led a meaningful and enlightened life -- you or God?" BBC: Uh...God? JR: Very good, Dave. Amen. Next verse: "When our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, were his holy Last Words not 'It is finished?'" BBC: Uh...yes? JR: Amen. You're really doing well so far, Dave. BBC: I meant, "Go on." JR: Oh. Well, wasn't Christ having pretty much the ultimate Last Word there on the cross? Wasn't he saying, in effect, "Having the Last Word is my final and ultimate teaching" and that there was nothing more to be said? BBC: I guess that's one way of seeing it, yes. JR: Amen. BBC: <sighs> No, go on. JR: Dave -- and this isn't from the catechism, Dave, this is just me -- when you die, and you're standing in front of God, and He is about to pronounce the Last Word on your life, He's going to ask you, "Did you lead a right life?" How are you going to answer? BBC: Well, assuming for the moment that such a scenario actually takes place, I suppose I'm going to say, "I don't know." JR: Exactly. And therein lies the problem, Dave. God is essentially asking you, by inquiring whether you felt your life was right, whether you have realized your enlightenment. Because as we all know, enlightenment is about self acceptance, realizing that there has never been a moment in your life in which you were not enlightened, and that therefore there has never been a moment when you were not right. BBC: We all know this? JR: You know it intuitively, Dave. And you will know it experientially -- as an all-time reality and as the ultimate Truth of life -- when you realize your enlightenment. BBC: If you say so. Let's move on. What would you say to those who call your church just another New Age cult? JR: I would say that the Church of the Last Word is definitely NOT just another New Age cult. We are the *ultimate* New Age cult, Dave. We are the best. No question about it. By definition we always have the Last Word on everything. Our followers, once they have realized the Truth in their own lives and practice our teachings, always have the Last Word on everything. What other cult or mainstream religion can compete with that? BBC: Most of them, actually, as our radio series should prove. JR: Ah, but when you interview teachers from these other cults on your radio show, who gets the Last Word in the discussion? BBC: Uh...I do, actually. That's one of the perks of being the interviewer in an interview situation. JR: Oh. That's a point to consider. But in a normal conversation, one party usually has the Last Word in the debate -- assuming they're arguing about who knows the Truth and who doesn't, right? BBC: Yes. I mean, go on. JR: Well, the teaching of the Church of the Last Word is that whoever has the Last Word wins the debate. Therefore, if any of these other New Age cults were to engage in a debate with us over which is the best New Age cult, we'd win, because we'd have the Last Word. Therefore, we are the best New Age cult. BBC: How can a member of the Church of the Last Word *know* that they'd always have the Last Word in such a situation? JR: Good question. They'd know because they would be practicing the patented Last Word Technique. BBC: I couldn't help but notice that you used the word 'patented' there, Joe. Are you telling me that the Church of the Last Word has actually secured a patent on having the last word in a conversation? JR: No, Dave, that would be ridiculous. What we've done is secured a trademark on the term Last Word Technique, and on its abbreviation, LWT. Those are the official names of the techniques taught by the Church of the Last Word. BBC: Do you charge for these techniques? JR: No, we teach them for free. I realized, back when I founded the Church of the Last Word, that people were so desperate for the Truth and for the fastest path to enlightenment that they would be willing to pay almost anything for it. Heck, I could have charged three thousand dollars for the Last Word Technique if I'd wanted to. But I decided that the enlightenment of mankind was more important than making a quick buck, so I decided to teach LWT for free. And go figure...I made a bundle anyway, just by selling the movie rights to my autobiography, "Be Right, Right Now." BBC: I'll bet. So tell us about LWT, Joe. Since you teach it for free, enlighten us as to the secrets of the Last Word Technique here on this show. JR: Happy to, Dave. The basic tenet of the Last Word Technique -- as with many great spiritual teachings -- is short and to the point: "No matter what, always have the Last Word in every conversation." BBC: That's it? That's LWT? JR: Elegant in its simplicity, isn't it, Dave? BBC: Elegant was not the first word that sprang to my mind. JR: Ah, but it is, Dave. It's the whole secret of enlightenment, encapsulated in eleven short words. Another way of saying it -- and another of the basic tenets of LWT -- is, "When you're right, you're right...why not end on that note?" BBC: And being right is important? JR: Of course it's important, Dave. Remember that conversation with God you're going to have one day? He's going to ask if you led a right life. The easiest way to prepare for answering that question is to have always been right, at every moment of your life. If you stand before Him confident that you have always had the Last Word, in every conversation you have ever had, then you can be confident that you have always been right, and thus answer His question the way God is hoping you will, with a hearty "Yes." BBC: Yes? JR: Amen. BBC: I meant, go on. JR: Oh. Ok. God is hoping you'll say "Yes" because that will mean that you led an enlightened life. For as we know, the enlightened are always right. BBC: We know that? JR: Have you ever met a person who claimed they were enlightened who didn't feel that they were right about everything? BBC: Now that you mention it, no. JR: I rest my case. BBC: Ok. Whatever. Let's move on...are there any practical benefits for the practitioner of the Last Word Technique? JR: Many, Dave. Many. BBC: Could you tell us about them? JR: Well, the first is that it makes conversation much, much less tiring and thus more efficient. You don't actually have to listen to what the other person is saying. BBC: You don't? JR: Not at all. If you already know that you are right, and that you know the Truth, what's the point of listening to what the other guy is saying? Total waste of time, unless he's agreeing with you by saying "Yes." Another of the tenets of LWT is, "Every question is a perfect opportunity for the answer we have already prepared." If you already know the Truth, and are prepared to speak it no matter what the other person says, why bother to actually listen to what he is saying? You're going to go on saying what you've been saying all along anyway, right? Because it's the Truth. This approach to conversation is far less tiring than actually having to listen to what the other person is saying. It's a much more efficient and evolved mode of conversation than the way unenlightened people practice it. In the Church of the Last Word, we refer to having mastered this mode of conversation as CC. BBC: CC? JR: Cosmic conversation. BBC: I see. Is CC synonymous with what most people call enlightenment? JR: Absolutely. We teach that you can recognize a person in CC by the way they handle their everyday conversations. If they conduct themselves as if they are always right, and always manage to have the Last Word in every conversation, you can pretty much bet your booty that they are enlightened. BBC: That's certainly an interesting definition of enlightenment, and I'd like to go into it further, but I notice we're running short on time, so I only have time for one last question. Here it is -- is there any truth to the rumours in the press that part of the LWT initiation ceremony involves having sex with underage ferrets? JR: CC is the doorway to enlightenment, Dave. After you practice LWT for some time, and begin to realize that you are right about everything, and that the only appropriate answer to anything you say is a hearty "Yes," it can trigger in you the realization that you have always been right about everything. And that is the moment of enlightenment, of your liberation. BBC: And the ferrets? JR: The key to enlightenment is being right about everything. And the way to be right about everything is to always have the Last Word. Millions have d iscovered the simple secret of this eternal wisdom. BBC: Hmmm. Well, I would pursue this further, but I can see that it would be of no real use. Also, I've noticed that we're out of time. So I'd like to thank Joe -- Reverend Josephus Recht -- for being here with us this morning, and...uh...enlightening us about his organization, the Church of the Last Word. This is Dave Snaughthhere, host of This Week's Kook, signing off. See you next week, yes? JR: Amen. BBC: Uh...Joe...that was my signoff. We're out of time. I always end the show this way. It's sort of my signature line. I thank the guest and say, "See you next week, yes?" JR: Oh. I see. BBC: This is Dave Snaughthhere, host of This Week's Kook, signing off. See you next week, yes? JR: Amen. ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> Get fast access to your favorite Yahoo! Groups. 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