Dearest Robin, RC, RC(C) (subscript or superscript - let us say that the "C" stands for "compassionate" shall we? Just add that to your many personas)
You acknowledge me where I am, as I am, and you give me that gift. Yes, I took on life, but in a rebellious way and now I am forced to take a more gentle approach and I am pretty P.O'd when I'm not visiting the victim 'hood. The inner drive, the energy that sustained me, my ability to write and think for a living, my physical stamina - I depended on these things - they defined me (took them for granted in hindsight.) These things have faded in the last 1.5 years - my emotions took over, demanded attention, overwhelmed me. Ahhh, WTF? Is it the hormones, is it the family of origin issues, is it my karma, is it the collapsed adrenal system, is it unprocessed grief, is it negative entities taking over, is it the diet, is it lack of spiritual discipline, is it that I am inherently flawed? Self-forgiveness is the hardest thing I do, or don't do as the case may be. In my elementary understanding and reading of well-known verse..."Jesus said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do." This helps me forgive others, but I give myself no such out. My new philosophy is "pay attention to the next indicated step." It's all I can do..show up for drill...try to stay present. My memory fails me....what is happening "now"? Oh yeah, I have a dog and the kids are still here. Alright then, off to a walk in the park and a visit to the counselor. Our new thing. (I'm a hard ass if you didn't know...my kids will tell you I lack compassion.) I said: "Either you agree to family counseling or you move out. Period. Oh, you are only 15 (to the youngest)? I don't care." They believe me. I'm firm, not always fair, and not always consistent, but they believe me. It's my latest attempt to salvage the family and after today's session, my oldest thinks there may be a glimmer of hope. Small steps. You have been mentioning my name of late...every time, I say "What?" "Do you mean me?" "Seriously?" "Where are my poetry books?" The last philosophy I really remember reading was while on long passages on a sailboat back in my 20's - Nietzsche, Kierkegaard and then the novels , Siddhartha and Madame Bovary, as I recall. Where was Jung? I should read Jung perhaps. I have so many books. Now Robin, baby, I want to tell you that your posts always surprise me. All of them. I look forward to reading them. I am so happy you are here for now. How funny the Iranitea exchange was. How fabulous is Share to chat unconditionally with you. Unlike Marek, I don't see FFL as a violent place - all that makes me laugh. Not unlike today's Prairie Home Companion. They did the skit on conflict avoidance that was so funny. Share, are you reading this? This is for you. You have to imagine the voices of Garrison Keillor and the typical radio female of that show. http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2011/10/08/scripts/sailboat.shtml On FFL, the currently departed Mr. Price helped me claim and own pieces of my past and places I had been that I had hidden far away from others for many long years. He gave me the gift of forgiveness and I love him for that. You give it to me as well. I allow it in when outside, in the trees, at the beach. The ocean is so extraordinary - subtly and vastly different at every beach - it cares not about our little concerns - it is relentless in it's beauty. It washes over me again and again and I cry in gratitude. ________________________________ From: Robin Carlsen <maskedze...@yahoo.com> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2012 7:34 AM Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden Dear Emily, I can't help but feel the struggle and trauma of what you have been passing through for some time now: "I have fallen from the top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining". I wish I could offer up a remedy; and obviously you have read too much on this forum not to have anything more than an ambivalent attitude towards Transcendental Meditation. Nevertheless—and in a way which I suppose is quite different from the Share Long approach—I would reach out to you with my caring for you, even as I don't know you at all. But anyone who has followed your posts at FFL must know the willingness of yourself to take on life—and what it seems to be dishing out to you—and to not be conquered by your misfortune. For myself, regardless of what you write on FFL, I sense someone who deserves the good will and the love of those who would wish someone who has suffered as you have suffered—and who is the appealing human being that you are—to receive the grace to be healed, and for your life to not be as hard as it has been. So, Emily, I can do nothing by way of recommending gurus or spiritual practices; but I can extend my heart to you with real feeling and honesty of intention, and at least know that you will believe me when I say I care about you—and your children. So, all this amounts to is a kind of personal prayer that life in its terrible complexity and hiddenness (in terms of the meaning it has in mind in making you descend from such a height as you have—from professional success and mastery to a sense of being defeated and held down) will somehow turn around for you, and we can all rejoice in learning that somehow you are being given some greater support and strength. To know, then, that you will make it and you will not be thrown down into any kind of final helplessness and futility. I think I will just say it, Emily: I feel a real affection for you and this post is just to make that known to you. Sincerely. Robin Awww, so nice. I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing listening, which my kids say I don't do enough of. I am a chirper in my current state and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends me personally...and when it does, not for long. Mostly I laugh, which is a good thing. I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?). I enjoy reading and trying to assimilate what crosses here. My brain still doesn't work the way it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen from the top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining. I have been hiding and in denial about many things. But, I'm coming out of my denial and as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, it looks like I'm going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the money runs out. There is no going back. From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@...> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden Dear Bhairitu, Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one would notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you will observe, silences. Robin --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@...> wrote: > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys hear > > her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One person > > heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the other > > noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. Pretty soon > > it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > >> > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Emily Reyn <emilymae.reyn@...> wrote: > > Awww, so nice.  I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing listening, > which my kids say I don't do enough of.  I am a chirper in my current state > and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends me > personally...and when it does, not for long.  Mostly I laugh, which is a > good thing.  > > I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings > or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?).  I enjoy reading and > trying to assimilate what crosses here.  My brain still doesn't work the way > it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen from the > top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, > with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining.  I have been > hiding and in denial about many things.  But, I'm coming out of my denial > and as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, it looks like I'm > going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the money runs out. >  There is no going back.  > > > > > ________________________________ > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@...> > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > >  > Dear Bhairitu, > > Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one would > notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. > > Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? > > Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: > "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". > > But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile > by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you will > observe, silences. > > Robin > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys hear > > > her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One person > > > heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the other > > > noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. Pretty soon > > > it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > > >> > > > > > > > > >
