[FOX News] In this exclusive phone interview from behind the barbed wire in Vedic City, Iowa (a suburb of Fairfield, and home to the "Super Radiance Group" of Vedic pundits who chant there daily for world peace), one of the pundits shares with us the reasons why he and his fellow pundits have felt the need to create a union. Pundit Anony Mouse, originally from Punjab Corners, India, talks to our correspondent Barbie Bimbo about their decision.
BB: Anony, are you there? There seems to be some interference on the line. AM: That's the wind noise, Barbie. I'm making this call from the farthest corner of the compound, where it hopefully can't be scanned by the people monitoring our communications. There is a lot of wind out here today. BB: Oh, OK. I thought for a minute it was you breathing heavily. I get a lot of that when talking to men on the telephone. AM: You're a woman? The switchboard just put me through to the first available reporter. What do you look like? BB: Sweet of you to ask, Anony. I'm 5 foot ten, blonde hair (real, BTW), with measurements of 38-24-36. The 38 is real, too. AM: Good to know. One of the things that we pundits are supposed to do, supposedly written down by the great Indian sage Shankara, is to think of women as bags of urine and feces. Doing this is supposed to be good for our spiritual advancement, but it's been so long since I've actually seen a woman that I've forgotten what shape to make the bag of urine and feces. Do you think you could send me a photo of yourself? BB: No problem. [short pause] AM: WOW! Thanks, Barbie. If I may say so, you are one great-looking bag of urine and feces! BB: Thanks, Anony. Shall we get to it? What can you tell me about POPUP? AM: Well, Barbie, POPUP stands for Patanjali's Own Protective Union of Pundits. A number of us stuck here in the compound have chosen to form this union to protect our rights and to bring our plight to the attention of the public and the members of the TM organization. BB: Don't the members of the TM organization already know? It says here on my teleprompter that they paid to build the pleasant, resort-like facility you live in? AM: Barbie, TMers wouldn't know a Bengal tiger if one snuck up and bit them on the ass. They believe what they've been told, and they've been told that we all want to be here, and that our lives are a veritable vat of bubbling bliss. BB: Well, aren't they? AM: It depends, Barbie. If you were stuck out in the middle of gods-and-goddesses-forsaken nowhere with a bunch of other guys, trapped behind barbed wire and forced to chant meaningless and non-religious but scientific Sanskrit all day for $10.80 a month, would you call that a vat of bubbling bliss? BB: $10.80 a month doesn't sound like very much. Even I make more than that. AM: That's the amount we're given every month to spend on "frivolities." Let me tell you that it isn't quite enough to cover necessities, much less anything frivolous. This past two months I've been needing a new toothbrush but unable to afford one, so I've been reduced to sharing one with one of my fellow pundits. BB: That sucks, Anony. I don't like sharing a toothbrush with anyone, not even my boyfriends who sleep over. AM: That's just the tip of the iceberg, Barbie. Most of us are here not because -- as the TMers have been told -- we are dedicated to the cause of world peace. We are here because our parents and families back in India were promised a living stipend if they sold us into indentured servitude as "Vedic pundits." BB: You mean you're *not* Vedic pundits? AM: Well, that depends on your definition, I guess. Yes, we were all given an extensive, in-depth six-week training course called How To Be A Vedic Pundit 101, but that's not seen by many people in India as a suitable qualification for being an actual Vedic pundit. For the purpose of this interview, however, since we're being paid the princely sum of $10.80 a month to chant Vedic hymns to the gods and goddesses, I guess you can think of us as Vedic pundits. BB: How did the TM organization come to the figure $10.80 per month? AM: We were told that it's a Vedic thing. 108 is some kind of magical number to them. Our parents and families back home are supposedly sent an amount based on the same formula, 10,800 rupees per month. BB: Well that certainly sounds like a lot of money. You may be being paid diddleysquat, but at least you're providing for your families. AM: Barbie, 10,800 rupees is a little less than $195. BB: Oh. I get paid more than that, too. AM: Anyway, Barbie, the purpose of POPUP is to make people aware that all is not cardomon-flavored hot milk and honey here behind the barbed wire. We're being exploited. BB: So what are your demands? What do you hope to achieve by forming a union? AM: We want the one thing that is being denied to us by the TM organization -- the right to make our own decisions. They are so used to gullible TMers allowing them to dictate to them what to think and what to believe and what to do that they just *assumed* that we dumb Indian boys would allow them to do the same thing. Not gonna happen. We're going to stand up for our rights, no matter what repercussions may occur. BB: Repercussions? Is that a type of repetitive drum beat? AM: No, Barbie. It means that when the TM organization finds out that we have formed a union, they may try to use tactics of intimidation to get back at us. BB: Intimidation? AM: [sighing] Intimidation means that they might drag us out behind the outhouse and kick the shit out of us. BB: Wow. Do you actually think that could happen? AM: Hey, it may have already happened. A number of guys tried to get out of the compound by dialing 911 and summoning the local police. But when they got here, our handlers wouldn't let them past the barbed wire, and "explained" to the police that the calls came from "retards" unable to figure out their cell phones. I haven't seen any of those guys since, and don't really know what happened to them. BB: Bogus, Anony. Well, I see that the time allotted to me by FOX News for my in-depth interview with you is almost up. Can we deal with one last important question that I know will be on most of my viewers' minds? AM: Sure thing, Barbie. Shoot. BB: OK, you're a bunch of guys stuck in a barbed-wire compound in the middle of nowhere, paid to be holy and chant holy hymns and all that. But you aren't allowed to even see women, much less interact with them. Tell our viewers, Anony...do you guys whack off much? AM: You have no idea, Barbie. Every chance we get. In fact, I've been whacking off the whole time we've been talking, while staring at the photo you sent me. BB: Oh, that's so SWEET, Anony. Thanks for chatting with us, and as a special thank you I'll send you a much more appropriate photo. [short pause] AM: Holy Sarasati!!! Are you telling me *those* are real? BB: Absolutely, Sweetie. Enjoy.
