--- In [email protected], "jim_flanegin" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > So, let me try to figure this out What happened to me, and my view > of the world, from the spring of 2005, onward? > > Did I lose my mind? No, I don't think so. If I had, rational thought > would be difficult or impossible to maintain, at a minimum > distorted, which it isn't. And I validate that by interacting very > successfully, socially and economically, in the world, every day. > > Did I lose, or kill, my ego? Nope. Still just me. Even more `just > me' than there was before. Less cluttered. More relaxed. > > Did desires go away? Nope, still here. Actually nice, round, clear > ones. Quiet and subtle. Some rising to fruition, others being > silently entertained, by choice. Any so called bad habits? Yeah, a > couple. Actually, make that about five. No confessional today, > folks. Good habits? Yep, plenty of them. > > My body is still here, and that is pretty easy to verify. Pinch. > Ouch! > > Everyone who knows me still calls me by name. My dad, who I just saw > a month ago, would swear it was still me, the kid he raised, and the > man he has known for several decades. > > So, a lot appears the same. And yet, life is utterly and completely > different, now. And as I move forward through space and time, it > keeps getting clearer and clearer, in the utterly different > direction. What is different? > > My mind. I am not sure it applies to call it mine any longer. It > functions perfectly when I need it; I can write descriptively, and > clearly. I can form concepts with it. I can manage an entire > department at a company with it. I can form and sustain > relationships with it. I can chart the direction, and change the > direction, of my life with it. And yet, I can no longer call > it `mine'. Because when I don't need to use it, it goes away. Poof! > No mind. > > And that happens to be a lot of the time. Poof. Just sitting here, > watching pictures come in through my eyes, made sense of by the > chemo-mechanical action of my brain, and `my' mind doesn't do > anything. It is no longer compelled to give me an interpretation of > what is captured by the senses. It just doesn't exist. > > Is there silence where there used to be `my' mind? I don't know, > because to qualify it and quantify it means there is something > there, and there isn't. Only when I need it does `my' mind appear, > does what work I request, and then it disappears, as perfectly as if > it never existed at all. > > I can't even believe I am writing this, because honestly, my mind > used to be mine; existing all the time. Now it is a wondrous and > magical tool, brilliant and useful, but no longer always there, just > hanging around, jabbering to itself. More like a tool in a toolbox, > effortlessly summoned to do the job at hand, and then retired again. > > My ego. My sense of who I am. That sure didn't die, as many here > will attest. I can relate when people talk about passion, and likes > and dislikes. Nothing dispassionate about me, or my feelings. > Anything different there? I am going to draw on the old analogy > about impressions left on the nervous system; first carved in stone, > then drawn through sand, and finally, like a stick or a finger > through water, leaving a few ripples. It doesn't much matter what I > do or what I am exposed to. > > I find myself living a much richer and fuller life, like all the > colors in my life suddenly got a lot brighter. Like smoking a fresh, > skunky, crystalline bud, only without any impairment, no side > effects. I enjoy everything I do a lot more, with boundless self > confidence, and a larger, much more flexible personality. I am able > to tune situations to my liking, and the liking of others, much more > easily now. > > So, since I didn't go away, what changed? I've been turning this > over in `my' mind off and on all day, and what happened was Self > Realization, in the spring of 2005. And though I've heard the term > Self realization many times, how can I describe it, experientially? > > The closest analogy I can come up with is what we call instinct in > animals, an effortless way of acting that bypasses any > interpretation, any filtering, any ownership, and just is. Not > purely reaction though. It includes the ability to be even more > human than the best we can achieve all by ourselves. Because there > is no longer a boundary in consciousness, separating what truly is, > the raw nakedness of life itself, and just me, now the empty minded. > > This immediacy allows me to enjoy an almost unbelievable richness in > life, validating what the sages have written and spoken about since > time began, and living life's rich pageant in all of its subtlety > and glory. Like walking into a Baskin Robbins ice cream parlor, and > discovering that they now have ten million flavors, and every one is > exquisite. > > And yet, once I have tried flavor eighty three thousand, seven > hundred and forty one, and it was just perfect, I find that I lose > interest in it as soon as it is completely experienced. No > impression left, except for a memory. Not much attachment at all. > > So what does not much attachment, or non-attachment, mean? How is > that even possible? Have I convinced myself that everything is just > too much trouble to hold on to, or that at the age of 53, I've > experienced everything at least once, and `seen one, seen `em all'? > > What I think it means is, referring back to Self Realization, that I > now identify with life's essence (which includes death's essence as > well, btw), or whatever common denominator is found in the entire > universe, known and unknown, and that is who I am now. Not who I > think I am, but through a hard-won yet miraculous transformation, > this is all that is left. > > And it grows. This Self Realization continues to overtake any > vestiges, any crumbs that were left over, any remaining stories and > assumptions, remaking them quickly and steadily, silently > transforming my personality, and my external life, just as daylight > increases after the Winter solstice at a rate of about three minutes > per day. Almost unnoticeable, yet fully dynamic, always expanding. > The best part is, I get to keep everything I win. For good. > > A good example of keeping my Self Realization treasure is the effect > on `my' mind-- the one from the toolbox. Remember what I said about > the mind I use? That I use it and then it disappears when no longer > being used? Well, all of the growing clarity and expansion that > continues to occur once this Self Realization happens, is available > to me, each and every time I use `my' mind. > > I want to use it, and wow! It has all this neat stuff in it this > time around! Without all the stories and filters and boundaries and > attachments that were gumming up the works, knowledge accumulates at > an astounding rate. I put my attention on something, and before too > long, depending on the amount of knowledge contained in the object, > I know it, fully and completely, or at least until my consciousness > expands to take yet more of it in. > > I mentioned what we call death several paragraphs ago. I've been > curious about it, and since I had this Self Realization, I've > decided I could find out what it is, without needing to `drop the > body' as the expression goes. Someone said that if we knew the > reality of life, we'd weep about birth, and rejoice about death. > What a crazy thing to consider, right? Absolutely stands life on its > head, right? Crazy talk. And yet, I felt through the great absence > of fear in my system, the fear that I have stopped lugging around, > that it was time to confront death, stare it in the face, shake > hands with it, good on ya, mate. > > So I started doing that, a little bit here and a little bit there. > Got a great big cloud of death that I was able to sit in, about two > days ago, while driving on the freeway to San Francisco, and passing > a huge military cemetery, with row upon row upon row of white > headstones, thousands, some in light and some in shadow. As I > passed, a lot of the energy of the dying, the screaming deaths, the > violent deaths of war, each man leaving, greatly wounded and sad, > came inside me, and I felt instantly the immensity of all of that > war borne death. Looked at it this way and that; a three dimensional > model of the blood, the screams, the wounds, the khaki, and the > frozen faces. > > After than experience, and all of this happened quickly, I had my > business appointment in the City and left, spent several more hours > in the office, came home, and saw what death was. I finally > recognized, after my experience with the cemetery, that most of us > are afraid of the moment of dying, the ways we can die, and that the > fear of dying obscures the reality of death. > > Because when I saw the reality of death, the full bright reality of > death, it was a love from the universe, from God, so complete and so > full of the brightest, most transcendent light and life and love, > overwhelming love, that I saw, that it drowns out even the great > loss we can feel upon leaving our loved ones on earth. It transcends > all of the love we feel here on earth, like the power of the sun > compared to a candle. No shadows. > > Is this great, all encompassing love available while we are here on > earth? Sure, yes, absolutely. And do I want to die now? Absolutely > not, no, no f'ing way!!! This was not a death wish. Merely > presenting an example that all things can be known, all desires > fulfilled, once Self Realization dawns. > > Last, I apologize for my past anger towards those who questioned my > experience of Self Realization here, which I gladly have shared as > it has happened, and as it has grown. The experience of Self > Realization was so immediate and so clearonce I was there, it was > like, and is, another world, never to return; free at last. One > minute all bound up, and the next, all bonds cut, sliced off, no > boundaries, no stories, no nothing. That fast, and that dramatic. > > And yet at first I was like a kid learning to ride a bicycle, still > learning what everything felt like anew, and looked like anew. And > wanting to shout that the way to eternal freedom had been found, and > that for anyone it was a lasting, permanent and solid reality of > everything the universe has to offer. The mood makers and skeptics > are wrongeven `average joes' like me can do it! > > And so when I proclaimed this glaringly Self-evident reality, this > eternal truth, and people questioned me, it was hugely frustrating. > Here was something I loved more than anything in the world, Self > Realization, and wanted to share the good news with everyone, and > surprise to me, people doubted my experience! What? It was like > seeing the most beautiful palace on earth and pointing it out, plain > as day, and having people shrug, and reply, "nope, don't see it ". > Seems like a big joke to me now. And the doubters greatly helped me > increase my clarity around what it is I am experiencing. It goes on, > it expands, it changes delightfully, and it is the Self, realized > and immortal. > > Not much more to say this time around, except a big Jai Guru > Dev, which I say, because it is this wonderful saint who I have > grown to know so well, who gathered up all of my fears, and gave me > a safe place to land, time, after time, after time. And thank you > all here on FFL for giving me a precious place with which to express > these special thoughts. Jai Guru Dev, to each and every one of you. > :-)
Self-Realization = Brahman Consciousness ?
