Nina, My heart goes out to you - this is such a difficult time. I would ask Grace what she wants - to go on her own or to be assisted. If she asks for assistance, then I would also ask her if she wants someone "new" to come now, or if she wants to wait for "her vet" Dr.Ortega.
Please know that we all love and support you, no matter what course of action is decided on. We've walked the same path and we will walk with you too. I, too, have not posted very much over this last year - way too much "stuff" going on, sapping my spirit - but I do read, and I do pray for everyone on this list, and I have followed your posts about Grace. Kat (Mew Jersey) On Thu, 22 Sep 2005, Nina wrote: > Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 07:18:15 -0700 > From: Nina <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > Reply-To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org > To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org > Subject: Question about Euthanasia and my Grace > > My Beloved Group, > First of all, I'm sorry I haven't been able to participate fully in the > group this last couple of weeks. I love you all, but for the last > couple of days, I haven't even been able bring myself to read the > posts. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted by Grace and my last > efforts to bring her back to health. Yesterday, I finally resigned > myself to thinking of our time together as 'death bed vigil'. Those of > you that know me, know that I pray all your babies are safe and healthy, > and those that are losing, or have lost the battle; my love is with > you. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support > of this group. You have been a Godsend to me and my sweet fur angels. > > Yesterday morning Gracie "told" me she does not want to stay. Among > other signs, I was syringe feeding her and she refused to swallow. I'm > trying my best to make peace with her decision. I know you understand. > She hasn't eaten on her own for a long time now and she's skin and > bones. She spent a nice peaceful day, and I did my best to just "be > with her". During the afternoon she made it clear that she didn't want > to be sung to, or touched. It's so hard on me to watch her pull away. > At one point, she seemed a bit agitated so I ground up a tiny bit of > Valium and gave it to her in water. She was so relaxed she even did a > stretch-semi roll out on the patio in the sun. She did something that > startled me, and got my hopes up again. (I just can't stop believing in > miracles). I was giving the dogs treats and she was laying on the > couch. Well, we have this thing Grace and I. Whenever the dogs get > treats she'd come bounding over the barrier and expect one too. When > she saw me giving the dogs treats this afternoon, she jumped off the > couch. I started to cry, because I thought, there's no way she's going > to take a treat. I put one in front of her anyway and you could have > knocked me over with a sigh. It took her a minute to decide to eat it, > but she not only ate that one, but 3 more. Then she ate 3 or 4 pieces > of kibble! My hopes were short lived though. > > I've been up with her most of the night. She still doesn't want my > attention. She doesn't even want me to look at her, it's breaking my > heart to say goodbye, and I guess it may be making it harder for her to > go, although that is not my intention. It's not like I don't want her > to leave her body, I do. I want her suffering to be over. Yesterday, > when I knew it was time, I called my Internist's office to see if Dr. > Ortega would be willing to help her cross. Grace has always liked Dr. > Ortega, and I thought she would be calmest with her. Well, my Internist > isn't going to be in the office until Friday. It doesn't seem possible > that Grace will still be here by then. My stance has always been, that > when I know it's the end, when I know that the chance of a recovery > after treatment isn't possible, then it's time to help them cross. Even > though Grace is peaceful, (she just lays on her side and breathes > shallow, but relaxed breaths), I have a hard time letting nature take > it's course. It's arrogant of me, but I can't stand seeing her like > this. I'm also so worried about her being in pain, when I look in her > eyes, she doesn't seem in pain, but she doesn't seem like herself > either. I wouldn't mind vacant, but it's almost like she's... not quite > angry, more like annoyed to still be here. > > Just to let you know... Over the past week or so, I think I may have > mentioned it, we've been following an extensive homeopathic regime with > the help of a practitioner named Darla Palmer. While it didn't save > Grace, it did bring her back into her body, and for brief glorious > moments, back to me. It was such a joy to see the Grace I know and love > shining out of her eyes again. > > Anyway, here's my question: Can anyone tell me how difficult it is to > put an animal to sleep in an emaciated condition? Of course, I don't > want to make things harder on her, I want to ease her suffering. What > if they can't find a vein, because they're so small? I just want to > know what to expect. I'm thinking of calling a house call vet to see if > he can come today, but I don't want this to be harder on Grace. I'm > still struggling with the thought that my underlying motives might be to > make things easier on me. I just want to do what's right for Grace. My > judgement is clouded, my mind and heart are clouded as well. I don't > even have the energy to read this post over to see if it makes sense. > Thanks for always caring, > Nina > > >
