Hilarious!
--- Steph E Caldwell <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
wrote:
> Borrowed from COTH board --
>
> How to give a cat a pill...
>
> 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
> left arm as if holding
> a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
> either side of cat's
> mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
> holding pill in right
> hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
> cat to close mouth
> and swallow.
>
> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
> sofa. Cradle cat in left
> arm and repeat process.
>
> 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
> away.
>
> 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
> arm, holding rear
> paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
> push pill to back of
> mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
> count of ten.
>
> 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
> of wardrobe. Call
> spouse from garden.
>
> 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
> knees, hold front and
> rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
> spouse to hold head
> firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
> mouth. Drop pill
> down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
> 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
> from foil wrap. Make
> note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
> sweep shattered
> figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
> for gluing later.
>
> 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
> cat with head just
> visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
> drinking straw, force
> mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
> 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
> humans, drink 1 beer to
> take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
> and remove blood
> from carpet with cold water and soap.
>
> 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
> pill. Open another
> beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to
> neck, to leave head
> showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
> pill down throat
> with elastic band.
>
> 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
> door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,
> drink. Apply cold
> compress to cheek and check records for date of last
> tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
> disinfect. Toss back
> another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
> from bedroom.
>
> 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat
> from across the road.
> Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
> swerving to avoid
> cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
> 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
> with garden twine
> and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
> heavy-duty pruning gloves
> from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
> piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
> vertically and pour 2
> pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
> you to the
> emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
> fingers and forearm
> and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
> furniture shop on way
> home to order new table.
>
> 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
> and call local pet
> shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>
>
> HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL....
>
> 1. Wrap it in bacon.
>
> 2. Toss it in the air
>
>
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