A bit bastardized but meant to lighten spirits. Warm wishes to all
of the wonderful Guardians out there.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is
not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having
tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or
feline attendance is
not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our
front do or:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About
Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
THEY
LOVE US UNCONDITIONALLY! (Can we offer any less?)
How to make Kitty Cakes
______________________________ ______
Take one kitty, roll and play until lightly pampered, then
add the following
ingredients.....
1 cup patience.... 1 cup understanding.... 1 pinch
correction.... 1 cup hard
work....
2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun... Blend well.
Heat with the warmth of your heart until raised or until
kitty has doubled
in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that guardian and
kitty are one.
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- Re: FW: Pet Rules Evan & Dee
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