From: Lora <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Reply-To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subject: Peeper's Passing Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 00:19:08 -0700 (PDT)
I think I can finally talk about this now.
It is with a sad and heavy heart, that I announce that my baby boy Peeper passed away at 10:00 a.m. July 3, 2003. He was just 13 months and 15 days old.
Peeper turned one year old on May 18, 2003, but by early June I noticed that he was starting to look "different." I could not quite put my fringer on it, but he just "seemed" not himeself. I kept asking my fianc� if he noticed any changes in Peeper, but he said no. Peeper was still bright-eyed and aware of his surrounding, but he just had this look...
One day in mid-June I was in Peeper's room when he literally fell over trying to walk to me! His back legs completely gave out on him! I panicked, but as soon as I turned around, he was next to me doing figure-eights around my legs, as if nothing ever happens. Did I just imagine that?!
These "walking" spells did not occur very often and sometimes he would not fall over at all! His back legs would just shake a little, as if they were under some sort of strain and then it would disappear completely. Thinking that it had something to do with the summer heat, I dismissed it.
I should have NEVER done that! I should have know right THEN that something terrible was wrong, but the symptoms were so slight. I kept trying to "convince" myself that everything was fine, but I knew. Deep down, I knew he was starting to leave me.
I just did not want to believe it. I could not! We had gotten through so much! I could not lose him now, not after beating Feline Chlamydiosis, the Enucleation, and suppressing the FeLV into remission!
If he died, everything would have been in vain! All these tests, treatments, hoping and praying that he would "throw off" the virus or be just a dormant carrier of this disease...and for what?! Just to have him die anyway? All he was going to have was a precious year of life?! It is too cruel! Dangle a few months here and there; only to have them yanked away!
On Wednesday July 2nd I Finally got up the nerve to take Peeper to the vet. He had stopped eating at this point and I was hoping to have a feeding tube placed in him. The liver shake was a small success compared to what we needed.
The vet asked to do a Pre-anesthetic test to see if his blood work would support him going under. If his blood work came back too low there was a great possibility of Peeper dying during surgery. I think this process consisted of three in-house blood tests.
This is when I was told that his hematocrit was at a 5, the lowest that the vet has EVER seen in his career. According to him, Peeper should be dead. He could not believe that a cat with this low of a hematoctit was still alive!
Needless to say, anesthetic was completely out of the question. What Peeper need was a blood transfusion, but neither me nor my fianc� had the finances for that kind of operation. The vet gave Peeper three days to live. I was devastated.
What if boiled down to was this. Peeper was complelely asymptomatic of ALL secondary viruses and/or infections that are commonly linked to FeLV. Peeper's immune system was perfectly normal. What he died of was the Leukemia itself.
Ironic huh? Here people and veterinarians alike warn me that FeLV rarely ever kills the cat. The weaken immune system and secondary virus/infections are typically want the cat dies from. And here, my baby dies of the opposite.
In the end, he developed anemia which was a direct result from FeLV. The FeLV was proventing Peeper's body from generating any new red blood cells i.e. nonregenerative anemia, a.k.a. Leukemia.
The veterinarian warned me that Peeper will eventually suffocate to death. Red blood cells carry oxygen through the body and since Peeper's body was not making any red blood cells; no oxygen was getting to his body either. Just walking would take is breath away.
Once the 5 hematocrit dropped to 2 or 1 his lungs will begin to full up with fluid. With no oxygen going to the diaphragm to expand his lungs, fluid would start to fill the contracted lungs. So, if he did not suffocate to death, he will most likely drown in his own fluids.
On July 3, 2003 Peeper had his first oxygen attack. It was like watching him have an asthma attack. He just simply could not catch his breath. I wanted to die.
I called the vet's office to inform them that Peeper was not going to last much longer, but he would not survive the drive to the clinic. I asked if someone could home here instead. They were nice and sent someone.
It was the hardest decision for me to ever make in my whole entire life! It goes against everything I ever believed in. I never felt that euthanasia was right for me. (No offense to those who believe in it.)
I was taking some last minute pictures of Peeper when the veterinarian arrived. Was he here already?! But it is too soon! I am not ready! I wanted to tell him to leave. That it was a mistake, but I did not. To this day, I do not know if I did the right thing. It was Peeper's decision to make, not mine. I feel like I robbed him of his choice. I do not know for sure whether or not he was actually "ready" to go. I just did it.
I held him the entire time, but I do not know if Peeper even saw me. Could he feel me? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he know that I never wanted this?
Peeper was my first euthanasia. I have never had one of my kids die before. I once had a cat by the name Nikki that I grew up with as a child, but my mother dropped him off at the veterinarian's office when it was time for him to go. I never got to see or become emotionally involved in the process. Watching Peeper was real rude awakening! I have never seen nor felt anything like it. I do not know if I can go through this again.
I had mixed feelings about where exactly to bury him. Peeper never had the chance to make any friends in his shory life (he was separated from the others due to the FeLV) and I had no other family previously buried. So, he was alone in life, as he is in death.
I had strays that I had buried over the years, but I want a special place. A place were my other babies would eventually go, when it was their time.
I chose the front yard. A first for me. I can see him through my bedroom window as well as every time I walk out my front door. Currently, I looking at monument/memorial stones. It is just a matter of time before I have one of those out there too. Another first for me.
Lora
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