Dear Michelle:
I haven't posted anything about Simon as I've been going through my own
heart-wrenching situation with an old horse who had been hanging in there for
the
past 2-3 years, but crashed on Monday and when nothing could be done to get her
stabilized and relieve her pain, I had to finally let her go. I'd been
"running on empty" from adrenalin due to worry and dread for quite some time,
and
now am feeling rather drained both emotionally and physically, but I have
followed your posts about Simon and my heart is aching for him and for you. I
wish
I could say something that could ease your burden of anguish, but I know
there are simply no words that can do so.
While no two situations are ever quite the same, all of us on this talklist
know what it is like to go through the agonizing process of losing a beloved
furkid. Sometimes I think it is almost better when they crash suddenly and go
very quickly...that is such a shock and you feel guilty and always wish you had
more time to try and do something to help, but your emotions take less of a
beating in the long run when you know their pain and distress was short-lived.
When the process takes longer, you have more time to feel that you have "done
everything you possibly could" and so ease any guilt in that regard; you also
have more time to get used to the idea of losing a precious furkid or achieve
some peace and understanding, perhaps, by communicating with him/her about
their situation. But, it can also sap every ounce of energy you have waiting
for that other shoe to drop.
I've lost beloved furkids this time of year for each of three years now, so I
dread the coming holiday season, but, this is Nature's time of year for
decline and death before the coming rebirth in springtime, so it is the time of
year when the life force is lowest, especially for the aging and ailing. One
should not be surprised if a loved one chooses this time of year to cross over.
Your Simon is one phenomenal guy, and he's putting up one hell of fight to
stay in a body that is failing him. From what I've learned with my own furkids
who've crossed over, it really is not typical for cats, who are close to their
spiritual element and tend to be very in-the-moment, self-possessed souls, to
want to stay in a body that can no longer nourish and sustain their spirit
well. A wild cat will not do so, but our domesticated felines who become very
bonded with us will sometimes hang in their for OUR sake and not their own.
You've been agonizing over whether or not to euthanize, and when it may
necessary or the "right" time to do so. I can only say that as long as you
believe
Simon has not given up and is not in undue pain, then enjoy whatever time you
may have left with him and allow things to proceed naturally. Most of all
remember that cats are like sponges for our emotions, especially of the
negative
sort, and try to keep him surrounded by positive energy, which he will need
in abundance if there IS any chance for him to beat the cancer, but also if it
turns out to be his time to cross over. It gives them a much better crossing
if we can surround them with loving and positive energy instead of
overwhelming their passing spirit with our fears and grief. If Simon is
determined to
keep trying, then try as hard as you can not to burden him with your worry and
dread, but keep a positive outlook. I know only too well how hard that is to
do. When my little Purrsia was fading, she specifically asked me not to be so
negative when I was with her, but to give off loving and positive energy. I
had to check my tears at the door and try to smile even though my heart was
breaking.
I still remember this time last year when my sweet Angel Eyes crashed the day
after Xmas and I was struggling to find a way to help her overcome what
initially was thought to be pneumonia, but which I have now come to believe was
probably lymphoma in her lungs. You were most helpful in providing me with
information about dealing with lymphoma and other types of cancer. You
certainly
seem to have had more than your share of this kind of heartbreak and obviously
have the help of some very knowledgeable vets. To have known for sure would
have required an invasive biopsy under anesthesia and I could not justify
putting Angel through that...I would not have been able to afford any
aggressive
therapy, as you have been able to do for Simon and your dogs with cancer, and
she was in so much distress being unable to breathe normally. If I'd had the
money to take her to an ER clinic with an oxygen chamber, perhaps I could have
kept her going long enough for her amazingly strong little body (she never
missed a meal, even the morning she passed) to stabilize and withstand the
assualt
upon it. But Angel was not a very brave kitty and leaving her alone in a
hospital surrounded by strangers would have been VERY stressful for her...if
she
was not going to make it, I wanted her to be able to pass in a loving and
familiar place. I'll always wonder and my heart will always ache, but I'll
never
know. I would have given anything to have had more time with her as you've had
with Simon, but in her case it would only have prolonged her suffering. It
was a holiday and a weekend, both of which I dread when I have an ailing
critter
because you have so few options and all of them are $$$$ at such times. It
was only 14 days from the day I had to drag Angel out from under my bed (she
was hiding because she knew something was wrong and did not want me to take her
to the vet) until she crossed over to become a kitty angel.
What I would suggest to you, based on my own experiences, is that you talk to
Simon with the help of an animal communicator, if you don't feel confident
about your own ability to read the messages he may be sending to you. One
thing
you need to consider is that Simon loves you so much and knows how much
losing him will hurt you that he may be trying to hang in there for YOUR sake
as
long a he possibly can. While his behavior indicates that he is evidently not
in agony, and he still seems to have some pleasant moments to share with you,
you might consider having a serious talk with him and let him know that if he
does want and need to leave his body, you will be OK with his decision to do
so. And you have to be sincere in telling him that. You can tell him that out
loud or just in your thoughts...cats are much more adept at reading our
thoughts and emotions than we seem to be at reading theirs. If you decide to
seek
the help of an AC, ask Simon how he feels about his condition and what his
wishes are. Ask him if he thinks he may still be able to get well and whether
or
not he wants further medication or food. You've already shown him that you
will go to the mat and beyond for him. But if he says he needs to leave, and
doesn't want any more treatment, I hope you will be able to respect his wishes.
You can ask whether or not he wants your help in crossing. If he says no, ask
what you can do to make his crossing as peaceful as possible. He may not
have any specific requests, but somtimes they do.
Kathy has given us much helpful information about the process of dying and
death. In his book, Natural Health for Dogs and Cats, Dr. Pitcairn has a
chapter about dealing with the death of a pet with guidelines for helping you
decide
whether or not to assist with euthanasia or allow the process to proceed
naturally. Depending on how the critter is behaving (i.e. does he/she seem to
want a cool, dark quiet place to be alone, or is he/she being clingy and want
warmth and comfort, etc.) there are homeopathic remedies that can help ease
various symptoms of discomfort.
The last night I had with Angel, she was literally clinging to me with all
her might, her claws were embedded in my skin through my sweatshirt and even
drew blood in some places, as she struggled to keep breathing through the
night.
I held her up against my shoulder to facilitate her breathing and try to calm
her, but she was very stressed and frightened having to breathe through her
mouth and more rapidly than normal. An X-ray of her lungs two days before had
shown them to be almost completely obstructed, either by fluid from pneumonia
or due to lymphoma so she was not getting enough oxygen. Just before daybreak
she relaxed and was able to lay on her side peacefully, breathing quietly for
almost an hour. She drank all the broth from her breakfast but did not eat
much solid food. Then she became stressed again and neither rescue remedy nor
other homeopathic remedies that might have calmed her or eased her breathing
were helping, so I called the AC again to ask Angel what her wishes were. She
said she was trying very hard and knew I did not want her to go; she said she
wanted to stay with me, but she was getting very tired and discouraged. She
was
trying to be brave but was very afraid and did not think she could get well.
She did not need my help to cross over, what she needed was my "permission"
to leave. After I got off the phone, she was a bit more relaxed and I held her
and walked around the house and talked to her about all the wonderful
memories I had of the wonderful times she, Purrsia and I had shared since
rescuing
them as kittens, how much joy she had brought into my life and how much I would
miss her. Then I told her I did not want her to go on struggling and
suffering for my sake, and that if she needed to leave her body, that was OK.
Almost
immediately, she threw back her head and gasped a few times, paddling wildly
with her front paws, then went limp in my arms...feeling heavier somehow. I
held her next to my heart for a while, then laid her on her pillow next to the
plant with pretty blue (like her eyes) flowers that I'd gotten for her and to
look at her one would not have guessed she had been deathly ill and just
departed. Her loving spirit had left, but her incredibly strong and beautiful
body
kept on breathing, now gently and peacefully, and her heart kept beating
steadily until the vet finally arrived to silence it. It was a strangely
serene
passing.
I've found it much easier than not to say goodbye to my furkids with the help
of an AC. Sometimes we think we know them so well, but can get it all wrong.
I lost a geriatric girl, Velvet, at 18 on 12/23/02...she had been in CRF and
was HyprTh for just over a year but had been doing very well on Tapazole, was
eating well, holding her weight and seemed quite content. In Oct. and Nov.
'02 I rescued the two kittens and I underestimated the extent to which bringing
these two newbies into my home would affect her. Naturally the older cats
just hissed and turned tail to put themselves in another room when the kittens
arrived. Only one of my other cats, a geriatric guy of 15, also in CRF, would
have anything at all to do with them, and he welcomed them like a kindly
uncle, allowing them to snuggle next to him on my bed. Velvet's latest
bloodwork in
early Nov. had been encouraging with a normal T4 with only her kidney values
still "off." But two weeks later she abruptly stopped eating and her breath
again smelled bad, as it had a year before when she needed dental surgery and
was subsequently diagnosed as HyprTh. I suspected her few remaining teeth were
in need of attention, but when I took her back to the vet who had extracted
her other teeth, he told me it wasn't her teeth this time -- she was in acute
RF. He did an ultrasound and it showed one kidney was toast but the other one
was still in pretty good shape, which was puzzling, then further searching
showed that her heart was significantly compromised by cardiomyopathy. Meds
for
her heart were added and I started her on aggressive fluid therapy to flush
excess toxins from her body, but still she refused to eat and became
increasingly resistant to any meds or feeding and even getting fluids, which
she had
heretofore readily accepted. When I approached her she would visibly withdraw
and
even hiss at me, which was unusual for she had always been an affectionate
cat. At a loss to understand, I called an AC to have a chat with Velvet and
was
a bit taken aback by what she had to say. Her reply to me was "I stopped
eating, duh!" She was annoyed with the arrival of the kittens, who disturbed
the
peace and quiet of her existence and she knew her body would just continue to
decline so she decided it was time to leave it. She very much resented my
cotinued efforts to medicate and force-feed her. I was thinking she would be
OK
once I got the toxins flushed out and she was feeling better again. She
asked me not to give her any more meds or food or other treatment. I asked her
if
she realized how uncomfortable it might be if I stopped gving her fluids,
that her kidneys would became toxic, and she said she was aware of that, that
death was not always a pleasant process but it prepares the spirit for crossing
and she was ready to leave. I had to go out of town that weekend and did not
feel I could just leave Velvet home unattended to die, but taking her with me
in the car would be brutal, so I asked her if she would allow me to assist her
in crossing over. She said she would rather go on her own, but if I really
felt it was necessary, she would accept my help. She asked for a couple of
days
of peace and quiet to get ready and asked if I would hold her on my lap when
the vet came. For the next two days I kept the kittens out of my bedroom and
played soft music and Velvet's buddy, Caramel, snuggled next to her on their
cushion and washed her tenderly. She drank some water once or twice on her
own, but I kept my word and did not give her any more treatment. The morning
she
passed, I called the AC again to say goodbye to her and talk to her a while
about some questions I'd always had for her. I told her what a wonderful
hunter she'd been when she was younger and she seemed to like that. She said
she
liked being a cat and might decide to come back as one again. She said she
understood I'd only been trying to help her and forgave me for all the unwanted
treatment. After I got off the phone, Caramel got up and left her side for the
first time in many days...Velvet crawled across the cushion and rested her
head gently on my hand for a while, then crawled up on my lap to wait for the
vet to come. What I thought would be a gentle and peaceful crossing was
not...her blood pressure was so low the vet had trouble finding a vein and when
she
was finally able to give the injection, the drugs would not circulate and
Velvet's heart would not stop beating...the vet finally had to give an
injection
directly into her heart. In the end, Velvet had known what was best for
herself...the assisted crossing was stressful for both of us and I was very
sorry
that I could not honor her request. Assisted crossings are usually much more
peaceful than that.
If a furkid is not in agonizing pain, not struggling to breathe or having
uncontrollable seizures, which mandates an immediate end to such suffering, I
always ask whether or not my furkid would like assistance. More often than not
my furkids have told me they did not need assistance, and do not beg for
something to ease their discomfort. If I can do anything to make them more
comfortable, however, I will certainly do so.
When the other rescued kitten, Purrsia, who passed on 5/28/03 at 8 mos., was
fading so quickly after suddenly developing symptoms and being diagnosed as
FeLV+ with nonregenerative anemia, she told me the first week she didn't think
she could get well and was ready to leave her body. I'd never dealt with FeLV
before and didn't want to believe nothing could be done to help her. I asked
her if she would give me a chance to try and do something to help her get well
and she agreed to think about it. Now I realize that she was probably just
humoring me, realizing that I needed to try. I put her on interferon and other
supplements, then took her to an Alt. Vet for accupuncture and herbal
therapy. The accupuncture did help her feel better for several days the first
time,
but the positive effects wore off within 24 hours the second time. Being
pilled was very stressful and being syringe fed made her nauseous; I realize
now
her digestive tract was trying to shut down and I was assaulting it. The AC
did some "energy" work with her each time, which visibly relaxed her, but by
the
end of the second week, she was obviously fading again...her liver and
kidneys were greatly enlarged and she was so weak she could no longer walk to
use
the litterbox without assistance. She said she loved seeing green things
growing, so I brought some plants into the room for her and she was able to lie
on a
blanket on the bed next to a window. She was deaf and could not hear, but
seemed to like the little tabletop fountain next to the bed...falling water
gives off negative ions which are supposed to have a calming effect. A friend
suggested some aromatherapy for her, and brought her some crystals (rose quartz
for well-being and tourmaline to ward off negative energy), both of which she
thanked me for, esp. the tourmaline...she could not see well her final days nor
hear, but her sense of smell was still acute. I'd been taking her outside for
a daily sunbath and on her final day, she crawled off her blanket and rubbed
and rubbed rubbed her face in the grass like she couldn't get enough. By then
she was so wasted and a shadow of her former self. It hurt to see her like
that, but she seemed to be at peace and not suffering much. Not long after I
took her inside she was showing signs of increasing discomfort so I called the
AC one last time to ask if she wanted help in crossing, but she said she
didn't need my help, just asked me to stay with her and to not cry or be
negative.
The AC did some energy work on her...she visibly relaxed and crawled over to
the edge of the bed with her chin between her paws. I was sitting on the
floor next to her. Someone knocked at the front door and I left just long
enough
to answer it...when I returned Purrsia had slipped onto the floor and was
convulsing. I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to the kitchen and my
friend who had come, a Reiki instructor, put her hands on Purrsia and began
singing a chant for her to help her across. Purrsia's little body went still
and
soft in my arms and she was gone. It was a beautiful passing, if one can think
of death as a beautiful thing. The next day the buds on the little WHITE
rose bush I'd taken into the room for Purrsia opened and the edges were tinged
with pink.
I hope that there will be a resolution for you and Simon soon, one way or
another. I will keep sending positive thoughts and energy out to you both. I
don't really believe in "prayer" to a higher being per se, but I do believe
there are energies in the universe that can be channeled both negatively and
positively, and perhaps prayer is another way to channel positive energy for
those
that believe in it. I do hope that a miraculous recovery may be in the offing
for Simon...he certainly has proven himself to be a brave and deserving soul.
If not, let his spirit be released from a body that is becoming a prison and
may you both be at peace.
Sincerely, Sally in San Jose
