Always accompany guests to the bathroom, it is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
DOORS.
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. If you have ordered an 'outside' door to be opened stand half way in and half way out and contemplate the meaning of life, this goes down particularly well if it is snowing.
CHAIRS AND RUGS.
If you have to throw up get to a chair quickly, if you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug, shag pile is also very good. If throwing up on a carpet or rug make sure you back up until it is as long as a human foot.
HAMPERING.
If one of your humans is engaged in an activity, while the other is idle, stay with the busy one, this is called 'helping', otherwise known as hamperin
g, please ensure you follow the hampering rules:-
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and therefore stand a better chance of being stood upon - resulting in plenty of pampering and possible food treats.
2. For book readers get in close under chin, between the eyes and the book, if this is not possible just drape yourself across the entire book.
3. For paperwork lie on top of the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much as possible, if this is not possible pretend to doze and occasionally reach out to bat the pen or pencil. If pushed away watch pitifully from the sidelines until able to get back on the paperwork, repeat twice until you are able to knock the pen, pencil and eraser off the table one at a time.
4. If human is reading a newspaper sneak quietly up and pounce the back of the paper, this is particularly effective if the pap
er is a broadsheet. Don`t forget human`s love surprises.
5. If your human is working on the computer, jump on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat the mouse pointer {obliterating the screen} then lay across the human`s arms to hamper any typing. If all this fails - sneak behind them and leap with all claws out onto their back and climb up to their head - this is a proven tactic.
WALKING.
As often as possible, dart quickly and closely to your human, especially on the stairs, in the dark or when they are carrying somethig. This helps to develop their co-ordination skills.
LITTER TRAY
When using the litter tray, be sure to kick out as much litter as possible, humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
BEDTIME
Absolutely refuse to sleep in your own bed, preferably choose your human`s bed and sleep directly between them. During the night stretch your legs out and turn sideways ensur
ing maximum space for you and a cramped restless night for them.
ONE LAST THOUGHT.
Whenever possible, get close to your human....especially their face, turn round and present your bum to them. Humans love this, so do it often and do not forget any guests in the house.
