Once more to the C&C mines.... Disclaimers:
I've never read this fic before. My advice is occasionally worthless, please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't suit you. Uhm.... That should cover us for now, I suppose? On 7/5/07, Timothy Groves <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > *Disclaimer* > > All characters from Ranma 1/2 were created by Takahashi Rumiko, not me. > Rights to such are owned by Takahashi-sama, Shounen Sunday Comics, Kitty > Video, and (in North America) Viz. > > Urd, Skuld and Verdandi are mythological. But the interpretations of > them within this fanfic are the work Fujishima Kosuke, not me. Rights > to such are owned by Kodansha, AIC, ADV Films and (in North America) > AnimEigo and Dark Horse Comics. Good on you for remembering; I worry when people don't. > Goddess Fayu > > Written By Tail Kinker Hum. I should know you, I think, but must admit that my memory fails me at this late hour.... Apologies! > Keiichi blinked. This was the first time that Urd had shown any > interest in electronics more complex than a television. "Be my guest." > He stood, stretched the kink out of his back, and stepped back. "What > sort of family business?" Repetition of 'back'. Perhaps 'away' for the second instance? > The modem chirped, and rapidly dialled a long sequence. Keiichi blinked. dialled -- dialed > His eyes bugged. "That's only a fifty-six kay modem!" kay -- K (though, this is entirely a point of preference) > "That's all right. I just need one file." She selected it, and started > the download, then leaned back. The comma before 'and' is not necessary. > "Company...Bell's family?" I'd think you want to put a space after the ellipses. > "Another Goddess...Don't we have enough already?" Same comment on ellipses. > "Some would argue that we have too many," smirked Urd. 'smirked' is not actually a speech indicator. > Nabiki looked around the room. "Nice. When you said 'temple', I > assumed that it was gonna be all stone, drafty, and in bad repair." Nabiki as a goddess? No good can come of this. > "No." Belldandy's smile took on another cast, one that Nabiki had seen > once or twice on Kasumi. "My Keiichi is wonderful with electronics and > machinery. That television had been cast aside callously by its former > master, because it was not showing its colours properly. Keiichi taught > it to do better, and now, out of gratitude, it serves us." UK spelling? > Bell turned towards her, and smiled. "This is Keiichi-sama. I am his, > by my contract, but I would stay with him even if I were not." That sounds like Belldandy, alright. > "Of course. Your divine name is that which the Gods and Goddesses will > use, though; you should grow used to it." I don't think you want to follow the semi-colon with a double-space. > "Sure. I'm just not ready to give up my mortality one hundred > percent." She turned back to the young man. "Keiichi, I would be > pleased if you would call me Nabiki." My, that's certainly formal of Nabs. > "The realm with which you are concerned." Urd walked over to the table, > and sat down. "It seems that our family finally has a patron Goddess of > Wealth." Well, if she were a demon, I'd say Greed.... > "The temple is quite large, and we have three rooms not currently being > used." Keiichi opened a door, and stepped back. "If this one suits > you, you can use it." Really? I was under the impression that all the rooms were taken. I seem to recall someone ... Chan Wei Lik, I think, mentioning that Belldandy even slept in the dining-room/kitchen. > "No, though she did try hitting one me a couple of times as well. There > were, before your arrival, four Goddesses living here. You've made it > five." one -- on > "We can get some of your stuff from your old room, I think that Bell > would be happy to help you with that. I can't go, unless you keep water > in your room." I'd replace that first comma with a semi-colon. > "Yes. Bell can travel using a few different media, but prefers > mirrors; Urd can only travel through televisions." Same comment on spacing with regards to the semi-colon. > "Time passes differently in Asgard than it does here on Midgard." Bell > lifted the lid of the teapot, and poured a cup. "Sometimes it runs at > the same speed, sometimes faster, sometimes slower." Ah, the convenience of TIME KOMPRESSION. > "I only remember fifteen years of my past," said Skuld. "From the day I > was born - yes, I remember that - to today. But a lot of that time was > spent in Asgard." Would Skuld realize the importance of stressing that bit about her memory to a mortal? > "I can teleport. And I have learned to..." She looked a bit > embarassed. "I can cause writing to appear on things. Mostly, I only > use it when I'm mad, to label someone - usually Urd - an idiot." embarassed -- embarrassed > She managed to get her laughter "More and more, you guys remind me of my > mortal sisters." She chuckled. get her laughter....? Seems like some words and punctuation are missing, here. > Bell hesistated. "I would love to meet my other sisters, but..." She > sighed. "I fear that this would not be wise." hesistated -- hesitated > Bell continued to stare at her, and she sighed. "All right, Belldandy. > I promise." Does 'she' reference Belldandy, or Nabiki (the last 'her' referenced)? Might want to reword. > Atop the roof, Peorth scowled. > > "Humiliate me, will you, Fayu?" > > She shook her fist at the heavens. > > "I will make you pay!" Hum. Well. On the downside: This was, honestly, a bit dull. Not much action, though I suppose the exposition was required to move the story forward. On the upside: Grammar and spelling seem very solid, characterizations seem to be on spot, too. On the whole: It seems like you know what you're doing. I'm not sure this fic is really my speed, but good work. -- Brian Randall -- I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a kind grant from the Larry F foundation: http://www.florestica.com/brandall/ -- Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE! -- Haiku of my lament: Forgive my spelling, my U.S. education, is the source of blame. --- .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------. | Administrators - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Unsubscribing - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `------------ FAQ URL coming soon.... -------------'
