On 24/08/2007, at 11:24, The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote: > There was, loathe though she was to admit it, only one real source of > information about this whole thing, as far as she knew.
An actual typo! :) "Loath," not "loathe". I was a little surprised by the history lesson, in that it was so close to canon (albeit with a lot more detail than the canon ever gave us). Other than that -- it felt rather flat, lifeless. We're being given all this history as Luna's speech, but the way it comes out, she might as well be reading it from a history book. A large body of exposition isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think this might work better if you either re-cast it as straight prose, or give it at lease *some* "speech" flavour -- either (as Jon Rosebaugh suggests) cast it as a dialog between Luna and Ami, with questions and interruptions and digressions and whatnot, which might well make it more entertaining to read but could easily make it twice the length as well, which may not be a goal of yours! -- or recast the speech to add the personality of the speaker, perhaps make it a little more biased, showing that it's what happened from a youma's point of view. Cheers, Angus ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Angus MacSpon Email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ICQ: 65719513 http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ --- .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------. | Administrators - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Unsubscribing - [EMAIL PROTECTED] | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `------------ FAQ URL coming soon.... -------------'
