Cool! Comments! Yay! Squee!
On Jan 4, 2008 1:53 PM, Bastion <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> Great to see more of this so soon. I said this last time, but I'll say it
> again, I'd rather have seen this turned into a manga than the original.
$Ah, but without the manga, this would never have been. I liked the
manga, actually. I just wish it had gone a different direction PTS.
>
> Also, this Naruto is starting to remind me more and more of Hannibal Lector.
> Except he isn't into munching on his enemies. Or does he? *brrrrr*
$Not quite. More that he's an emotional wreck of a young man with a
demon sealed in his belly doing his best to be an emotionless killer
and ruthless manipulator.
>
> Now for a few comments:
>
> >Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that the formatting for this is
> >going to be slightly unusual. Hopefully, it'll still be readable.
>
> As far as I could tell, the formatting looked good.
>
$Excellent. Fifteen minutes messing with it weren't wasted, then.
> > Hinata scrubbed lightly at her hands in the clear
> >stream, picking carefully at her fingernails. Anyone with
> >good eyes might have seen how the water around her hands
> >seemed to gel and thicken.
>
> That's... interesting. Are you implying what I think you're implying?
> Especially with the way you suggestively ended the last chapter.
$Err, what do you think I'm implying?
>
> > The leaf tugged his direction a fraction of an inch.
> >Hinata smiled and nodded to an unseen question. And, as if
> >its journey had never been interrupted, the bit of leaf
> >resumed its trip.
>
> Okay, this is too subtle for me. Care to explain?
$Hinata was 'grabbing' the water with her hands, as if she was water
walking. Naruto was doing the same, but on a larger scale, so all the
water there kind of gelled and solidified with chakra, thus staying in
one place. That's why the leaf didn't follow the current, the water
had stopped. Then Naruto pulled on the water slightly, just enough to
see if he could do it, it worked as indicated by the leaf moving,
Hinata nodded in response to his silent question about it working,
they released the water, and everything flowed as it had before.
Basically, they really carefully tried out an idea Naruto had in such
a way you'd have to be a really astute observer to notice and see what
Naruto had planed.
Come on, man, that was so obvious!
:p
>
> > And suddenly Naruto spun, pulling at the water with all
> >his strength and all his chakra. A suiton master could have
> >used a jutsu, but Naruto didn't know any water techniques, so
> >all he could do was make it stick to him, and itself, and
> >pull. It was heavy, but he was strong, and he pulled hard.
> >
> > Like pulling a rug out from under someone, Sasuke
> >suddenly found his footing unstable. He didn't curse in
> >surprise, but he did stumble, making two small splashes as he
> >did so, furiously channeling chakra as he tried to regain his
> >balance.
>
> Very clever use of water surface tension. That just made the chemical
> engineer in me giggle like a school girl.
$His idea worked. Not enough to win the battle, but enough to
surprise Sasuke and make him give away his position.
>
> > Then I felt his weight shift, but not like he was
> >moving. He just… changed shape. And suddenly, instead of a
> >flat chest leaned against my back, there were two large, soft
> >lumps being squished between us.
> >
> > I'm ashamed to say it actually took me a moment to
> >understand what he'd done. I'm even more ashamed to admit
> >that I blushed.
> >
> > …Seems like he took the freaky route.
> >
> > But okay, I can deal. My blush faded. So Naruto has
> >breasts. Big deal. Hinata has breasts, too. Perhaps
> >infinitesimally smaller, but nicer because they're real.
>
> Heh. Who'd guessed Sasuke was a titman? However in the other vein, I'm
> beginning to get this feeling that there's this freaky sexual tension
> building between Naruko and Sasuke. The more I read this story the more I'm
> noticing a potential for Naruto to have some big time gender issues.
$Naruto has a LOT of issues. Identity is just one of them.
> > Her hands snaked down my chest and traced my muscles as
> >her breath suddenly grew loud in my ear, close enough to
> >tickle the tiny hairs. "Thank you. A girl likes to know her
> >assets are appreciated by the sexy man in the group."
>
> Errr... read my note above...
$I will neither confirm nor deny. With characters as emotionally
messed up as these, they do weird things sometimes.
>
> > "Was it something I said?" I asked. Mentally, I ticked
> >another check. Me two, Naruto zero.
> >
> > Oh, yeah. I had Naruto's measure.
>
> No, I don't think so. BTW, interesting approach on switching from third to
> first person. It works in a way. Sorta like, reading a page from Sasuke's
> diary. Wow that brought some images to my mind. Ugh.
$Yeah. Sasuke doesn't say enough to let you into his head, so I
jumped into his head. Makes him more human, plus, as a general rule,
what Sasuke knows is what I want the reader to know. Naruto is the
main character, but he's so secretive I can't focus directly on him
without giving too much away. And, lastly, 1st person POV is easier
to write for some scenes. Gets me past blocks sometimes.
>
> > "SHIT!" he cried. "KAGE BUSHIN NO JUTSU!" followed a
> >split second later, and the new clone was still forming, not
> >even able to raise its hands in self defense before Naruto's
> >blade split its right eye on the journey to the brain, and
> >for a second it lingered between forming and unforming, hate
> >at it and hate at himself, chakra looping and twisting in
> >upon itself.
> >
> > Caught in the feedback loop, Naruto stiffened like he'd
> >just cut a live wire.
>
> Okay that was... disturbing.
$Naruto is not happy.
>
> > "And a little advice to you," I replied. "Never, ever,
> >NEVER try that again."
> >
> > Kakashi-sensei looked up from his book again. "It kind
> >of loses its sting when they're unconscious, you know."
>
> Heh. I love how this goes from extreme violence to well timed dark humor.
$Less humor, more action and dialogue in these chapters. The next
story arc resumes the humor like in the first chapter of Clients Lie.
Though, its still juxtaposed with horror and bloody violence. But
hey.
>
> > "Next time, I'm just going to kill you," Hinata said
> >quietly, the fire gone from her voice.
> >
> > "There won't be a next time," I warned.
> >
> > Kakashi picked that moment to stand, closing his book
> >as he did so. "Well then, so long as we all understand each
> >other," he said brightly.
>
> God damn Kakashi kicks so much ass.
$Kakashi is smart and mature enough to know that kids will be kids,
but they'll also grow up. Or die, admittedly. It's why, during all
the little dominance quibbles, the infighting, the ridiculous brawls
that complicated the mission, he never stepped in. He's smart and
observant enough to know exactly what's going on. But he's also smart
enough to know that, at the end of the day, none of it matters, and
he's willing to let his students squabble until they figure it out.
Because the universe really is a cold, uncaring, unfriendly place that
doesn't care if we live or die. And the only way we're truly going to
make it is if we STICK TOGETHER.
Naruto and Sasuke are pretty smart. He's confident that they'll
figure it out, and he'll keep them from actually killing each other
until they do.
>
> > "I'm sorry, Naruto-sama," she said meekly. "Please
> >punish me as you see fit."
>
> God damn, Hinata is hot for Naruto.
$More issues than a stack of reader's digest.
>
> BTW the next sequence between them... man that's so cryptic. Especially with
> those clones. Sometimes it feels like I'm reading interpretive dance.
$A previously mentioned (but as with many things in * Lie, its easy to
miss unless you're paying attention), sometimes Naruto's clones let
slip his true emotions. As of yet, he's not aware of it.
>
> > Naruto sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"
> >
> > "Anything you want," was her prompt reply.
>
> God damn, Naruto is one lucky some of a bitch!
$And yet, so far, he hasn't done anything. I wonder why?
>
> >But we will not kill allies just because they are dicks.
> >It sets a bad precedent.
>
> I'll say. Words to live by.
$Really annoying words, but true anyway.
>
> > Kakashi shook his head. "Not necessarily. Look at the
> >tailed beasts, for instance, like the kyubi no kitsune. It
> >could use chakra very, very well, and I'm sure it never had
> >training from any human."
> >
> > "Ah. Well." Naruto looked around. "Tailed beasts,
> >huh?"
>
> Me thinks Kakashi is walking a very fine line with this.
$Not too fine. Naruto and Hinata already know about the kyubi, he's
just using it as an example.
>
> > "Where did you learn about tool marks in flesh?"
> >
> > "I…" Naruto opened his mouth, then closed it again and
> >smiled. It was not a nice smile. "You know, that's a funny
> >story. It's directly related to why all this," he gestured
> >around them, "is making me hungry. I tell you what. After
> >we eat, if you still want to know, I'll tell you."
>
> Okay maybe the Hannibal comparison was a little more capatible than I at
> first thought.
$Nah, remember from People Lie? The working lunch with Anko and
Ibiki? 'I like gross.'
>
> >She kept a black shirt on over her
> >mesh, making Sasuke idly wonder if she was still wearing the
> >chest wrap beneath. She said nothing.
>
> You're trying to say something here. But what? Hmmmm...
$Despite her most obvious actions and her near slavish devotion to
Naruto, she's still her own person. She's just, in some ways, better
at hiding it even than Naruto.
>
>
> > Sasuke was nonplussed. Hinata, who, thus far had been
> >little more than Naruto's personal, if rather pretty, shadow,
> >claimed to have a demon of her own.
>
> Huh there you go again.
$See previous comment.
>
>
> > "He is my brother, Itachi," Sasuke whispered, his gaze
> >far away, lost in the night and the years of his past. "I
> >will kill him because he killed our clan. I will kill him
> >because he killed our parents." Abruptly his head swivled,
> >focusing his gaze on Naruto. "You speak as if you know what
> >it's like to be tortured."
> >
> > "I do," Naruto allowed.
> >
> > "As do I," Hinata replied warily.
>
> Hmmm the angst is strong in this one...
$What do you mean?
>
>
> >He rose, put his arm around Hinata,
> >and squeezed her close. Uncharacteristically, she didn't
> >melt into him, chosing instead to remain stiff and aloof,
> >just, now, she was under his arm.
>
> Why she being aloof all of the sudden? Every other time Naruto even touches
> her she swoons.
$See three comments ago. She goes along with Naruto because most of
the time, he's right, and she believes in him. But sometimes, the
path he chooses is a hard one for her to deal with.
>
> > "Good night, Sasuke," Hinata whispered, not raising her
> >head from Naruto's side. "Just remember, you don't have to
> >be alone."
>
> Ya know that sounded more like an open invitation to a threesome than an
> offer of alliance in battle. That or maybe I need to lay off the doujin.
> ... Definitely need to lay off on the doujin.
$And, naturally, the real question is, who's words were those, really?
>
> >
> >5. Kakashi read porn because it was a tiny slice of a life he could
> >never have for himself. A
> >life where people were shallow, concerned largely with their own
> >pleasure, where men
> >met women and women met women and sometimes where men met several women
> >and fell in love and had a few minor squabbles but nothing that
> >couldn't be fixed with a
> >good solid chapter of kinky sex and everyone smelled good and no one
> >had been raped or
> >stabbed in the chest with a kunai or watched a comrade get crushed by
> >an avalanche of
> >chakra infused rock right before their eyes- or in short, a world
> >where nothing really
> >mattered, people just thought it did, and a smart, strong, skilled
> >person would be free to
> >just be himself for once in his life. Kakashi sometimes had to stop
> >reading because his one
> >visible eye would be clouded in tears and his fingers would be slowly
> >tightening on the
> >pages and his heart ached, because he was a smart, strong, skilled
> >person in a world
> >where things really did matter yet it seemed like almost everyone
> >around him was an idiot
> >and thought nothing did. Like so many other people, Kakashi wanted
> >something he could
> >never have.
> >Kakashi to a scadalized, but cute, village girl.
>
> Heh. Interesting.
Yeah. I had a lot of fun with this format, since each one of these
statements is a lie in some way, usually different with each one.
Kakashi read porn because HE LIKES PORN. Not because of any weird
emotional issue. Sure, he has those, too, but the porn thing isn't
that complex. But, he's perfectly willing to pretend to depths of
character he doesn't have to get in the panties of a cute girl. At
least, in * Lie he does.
>
> >11. There was only one person on Team Gai who didn't wear thong
> >underwear. Gai wore
> >thongs. Panty lines under skin tight spandex? That is so not keeping
> >in with the spirit of
> >youth. Lee wore thongs. He dressed exactly like Gai, and agreed with
> >him. A smoothly
> >profiled ass was indeed best to show off your youthful fire. Neji
> >wore thongs, really,
> >traditional twisted undyed cloth underwear. He was Hyuga. They were
> >big on tradition.
> >Tenten wore thongs. She was a beautiful young woman surrounded by cute males
> >saturated in testosterone. She liked feeling sexy, and there's
> >nothing like a strip of silk
> >right in the crack of your ass to make you feel attractive. Every
> >single person on Team Gai
> >claimed to wear thong underwear. One of them was lying and too
> >ashamed to admit it.
> >Gai to Kakashi.
>
> O_O
>
$People liked this one, as I figured they would, so its the first one
that I elaborate on in the story enough that you can actually figure
out what the truth really is.
> >17. Anko and Kurenai slept together once. Or, more specifically,
> >Anko, Kurenai, and
> >Asuma had slept together once. It was a lengthy class A mission,
> >requiring Kurenai's
> >genjutsu talents, Asuma's skill at close quarters, and Anko's
> >specialty, a ruthless, brutal
> >killing spree. It had also involved a three day stay at a seedy inn
> >in southern Fire, waiting
> >on a contact to drop off vital information. Sake was involved.
> >Kurenai woke up with a
> >funny taste in her mouth and an unexpected hand cupping her breast.
> >Anko woke up
> >with a snakebite on her hand and a serious need of a shower. Asuma
> >didn't wake up until
> >the next day.
> >Anko to Asuma.
>
> I guess Asuma was glad he went on that mission.
$Lies, remember?
>
>
> >To judge by the list, Naruto lies a lot. Some characters lie because
> >they want something.
> >Some characters lie to themselves. Some characters get lied to cause
> >they're easy marks.
> >Some characters lie to influence others. Some characters lie because
> >it's funny. But the
> >point is, everybody lies sometimes.
> >
> >Hey, people lie.
>
> God damn, this story kicks ass. Well so far at least. Heh.
$Thanks. I try.
>
> Anyway, as far as anything critical to say... well, it does get a bit
> sluggish considering how much was done prior and I'm not sure what you're
> leading up to.
$Was leading up to a slow, creeping horror story. Changed my mind.
Clients Lie is continued in a flashback form that's important to the
new story set in the present in Memories Lie.
I know that you're trying to create some character development
between everyone but at the same time I'm wondering what you're
building up to. People Lie had a definite drive to it, while this is
either aiming for a much more ambitious storyline or it's meandering
until you figure out where to go. Either way I enjoy some of the
cryptic actions of some of the characters (though it drives me up the
wall sometimes) as well as keeping a rather morbid and somber tone
throughout the entire story. It's more noir than it is emo like the
original is.
$Cool. I'd explain more of what's going on, but really I want the
story to be complicated enough you have to actually engage your brain
to read it. I'm trying to keep it from being like, oh, Serial
Experiments Lain obfuscated, though. I tell you what's going on, it's
just I'm lying. Honestly not sure I'll recapture the drive of People
Lie, but one of the reasons I started a new story arc is to shift back
to that style of writing, so who knows, maybe.
>
> And again, Naruto is one creepy motherfucker if I may put it bluntly.
$He's well on his way to destroying his soul to better be a dangerous
killer. Since he's SUPPOSED to grow up and be a ninja (and I don't
mess around when it comes to what ninjas REALLY do), he's sort of
obligated to be a dangerous killer, but he's got people trying to keep
him from giving up his soul in order to do it. Unfortunately, neither
of his teammates are numbered among those people.
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