Bolivar? Shagnasty? Man, this takes the cake for an email handle.
Anyway, here's another EVA lemon. Well actually this chapter is more lead up
than it is lemon, but then again I always a story with a decent amount of lead
up.
Comments and edits below:
>Minutes of unclear testing later, the buzzer sounded, Ritsuko called the
>test to an end.
Unclear testing? Might want to rephrase.
>Shinji looked up at his guardian and simply said in a tired voice "Can
>we just go home?" Misato pursed her lips together and just nodded and
>started to walk with him down the hallway to the Pilot's room(locker
>room?).
Locker room should suffice.
>
>"Just think, Shinji, a few more tests and we may have the remote
>piloting system up." Misato said in an attempt to make his boredom look
>meaningful.
I'd recommend something like:
Misato chirped cheerfully, attempting to circumvent Shinji's apathy.
>I have to talk to Ritsuko about these..." Misato mused, putting the
>defective clip in her jacket pocket.
Need front quote mark on that dialog son.
>Minutes later Shinji emerged, dressed in his usual school attire. 'Just
>like a good little schoolboy' Misato thought to herself, slightly
>disappointed that Shinji lacked a rebellious streak.
.... Hmmmm...
>The sound of the brakes screeching and the tug of his body against the
>seatbelt jolted Shinji back to wakefulness. He remembered again a
>long-learned lesson: never fall asleep when Misato is driving.
Heh.
>peered out the window to see a Chinese take-out place. "M..Misato-san?"
>Shinji asked, questioningly.
Questioningly is redundant in this case. Confused or disoriented or something
like that would be more appropriate.
>"We got some special fortune cookies today. Twice the size, twice the
>fortune. Fifty extra yen?"
Twice the fortune? *shakes head* Suddenly I'm getting images of Big in my
mind.
>The two sat in silence right up to Misato pulled her car into it's usual
>parking spot. The two wordlessly trudged up the stairs, Misato
>actually opening the door first for Shinji. 'Probably because I'm
>carrying the food' Shinji thought with a slightly bitter tone in his
>mind.
I would just say: Shinji thought bitterly.
>Misato considered this, then asked, "Are you calling me a drunk?"
>
>"Yes."
Heh. Who says the boy doesn't have any bite?
>"She'll be back tomorrow, to make me miserable."
I think you use a semi-colon in this case.
>"Thought so." Misato nodded sagely. Which on her looked silly. "Trust
>me, Shinji, there's nothing wrong with such thoughts. It's actions that
>count."
Hmmmm, this is a lemon. Is this one of those Shinji harem lemons?
>"What, you're saying I should... with Asuka?" Shinji stuttered, eyes
>wide.
>
>Misato dismissively waved her hand as she walked to the fridge.
>"Asuka... Rei... hell, maybe even Hikari."
Yep definitely a Shinji harem fic.
>Misato leaned over to grab the second cookie, giving him an eyeful of
>her cleavage. Inadvertent? With her, who could tell? "Hmm, perhaps we
>both need a good fortune, hm?" Misato said with a wink.
My opinion, you don't need to the two hmm's. I'd get rid of the first.
>Shinji held his out for Misato to see. Misato couldn't help but laugh.
>"Looks like we got duplicates, Shinji!" Misato snickered. "You will
>both awaken to a new point of view"
*smacks face* Dear God this isn't Big, it's Freaky Friday!
>Shinji struggled to shore, the tub more like an ocean than anything
>else. The shore felt soft... flesh like. Looking up, he saw he landed
>on Misato's left breast. The nipple was almost as big as he was; he
>was no larger than an insect!
Now that's dream imagery!
>Shinji clamoured to the seat and struggled to work the controls. a
>loud BUZZ filled the tube, like a gameshow. The plug ejected and the
Capitalize A up there.
>Shinji struggled and kicked, not wanting to leave the only thing that
>seemed familiar, as twisted as it sounded. Ritsuko injected something
>into Shinji's arm. "My my, I'm sorry, but that one isn't for you
>anymore. Wearily, Shinji looked at what the tube just ejected from and
Quotes after anymore.
>Shinji's eyes snapped open in shock, the vivid and surreal imagery from
>that wild dream played over and over through his brain. Groggily,
>Shinji slowly sat up, and couldn't help but feel a sense of wrongness.
>Everything felt off, different, wrong, but his mind felt cloudy,
>sluggish as well. A small stumble came as Shinji tried to stand, and
>that's when he realized he was in the wrong room.
I'd just toss either wrongness or wrong up there. It's abit redundant.
>Shinji's doppelganger seemed to pause a moment, taking in the
>situation. The double then looked down at himself, and gave a small
>grin, patting his chest, hips, then crotch. "I knew I felt something
>hard against my thigh."
Oh boy.
>Shinji set down the cup, and gasped. Misato nodded. "Okay, next the
>coffee.
Missing quote.
>Shinji shot out of the chair and backed up. "W..what are you saying?"
>Shinji asked, backing away. He felt as if he was confronted by
>something even he didn't quite understand.
Damn right. No taunts a fortune cookie and gets away with it!
>Misato stood up from her chair and walked over to Shinji. Shinji noted
>he could see clear over his old head. "You embarrass so easily," Misato
>said grinning. "Oh come on, every boy's a bit curious."
... Huh? Did I lose something in the conversation?
>Misato paused and looked back at Shinji. "What? It's not like it's the
>first one I saw. And dont' be so shy. I saw the way you were looking
>at my bust all morning. Go ahead, just don't bruise them."
Heh. Misato if only you weren't fictional.
>The accusation made shinji blush even deeper.
Cap. Shinji
>"Tuning a... i don't understand..." Shinji answered.
Cap I
>Shinji sighed, at least willing to believe Misato this much. "Alright.
>I guess that will be fine..." The sound of the toilet flushing brought
>Shinji back to reality as the bathroom, door opened. Shinji curiously
>looked at his old face, which was flush red. "Umm, Misato-san, you
>didn't..."
>
>"Nope. Didn't. Don't worry about it." The expression on her face was
>unconvincing.
Well if she did, how the hell did she carry on a conversation throughout it?
>Shinji shook his head, the feeling of long hair still strange and alien
>to him. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?"
>
>"Shinji...have I ever made life easy for you?"
Heh.
>Misato got an evil look in her eye, and pinched Asuka's ass. The
>redhead's eyes widened in shock.
Damn this is a Shinji harem fic... except it's Misato! It's so, so, so evil!
>"However..." Shinji pondered, turning to a small mirror in the living
>room, "I may be able to fake acting like her when she's serious...".
>And with that, Shinji practiced one of Misato's more serious
>expressions, and had difficulty restraining from laughing at the sight
>in the mirror.
Hmmm, interesting start. This has some potential. I haven't seen any explore
something like this, though to be honest I thought the whole deal with the
fortune cookies was a little corny. I'll roll my eyes if Shinji and Misato go
through all of this trouble to fix things through the EVA if it was only
because of the supa majik fortune cookies. On the other hand, I get this
feeling that Misato in Shinji's body is going to try and seduce all of his
female classmates. I can see that happening, however I'm not sure what you can
do with a Shinji in Misato's body, however I do see him having a hard time
handling Kaji and that's got some comedy potential.
Anyway, good start, so let's see where you take this.
Bastion
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