Yay! More! I've squeezed time out of my schedule to read this (a task
akin to wringing blood from a particularly dry bit of granite). It's
excellent. Let's see if I can nit-pick.
--- Nugar <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> After chapter five I decided to start playing around more with my
> style and plotting. Comments welcome!
Right off the bat, let me note that the switch from narrative to
first-person perspective didn't phase me, which is excellent and bad.
It's excellent because the story maintains a good voice, and even the
narrative sections still more or less show things from a specific
character's point of view. On the other hand, its kind of bad, because I
feel like I'm not as critical as a reader (that is, non-fanfiction
writing folk), and things I'll say are fine will frustrate an actual
audience.
That barely made sense to me. Moving on!
> "Good morning, Kakashi-sensei," Hinata said quietly as
> she emerged from the tent.
Kakashi... and _Hinata_... H_H
> Hinata scrubbed lightly at her hands in the clear
> stream, picking carefully at her fingernails. Anyone with
> good eyes might have seen how the water around her hands
> seemed to gel and thicken.
I think 'good eyes' is a little off the mark here. Good would refer to
strength of vision (how close to 20/20), when I think this sentence is
really refering to attentiveness, which would meaing using the phrase
'sharp eyes.'
> A bit of rotten leaf, floating on the water, swirled
> between their two hands, then stopped, as if it had ran
> aground.
>
> Naruto ran his hand through his hair and shifted
> position, his other hand moving slightly in the water.
>
> The leaf tugged his direction a fraction of an inch.
> Hinata smiled and nodded to an unseen question. And, as if
> its journey had never been interrupted, the bit of leaf
> resumed its trip.
Interesting. I get the gist of what's going on here, but it's not really
explained, so the audience gets to guess at it for a minute.
> He glanced at her, back to the boys, then back to her,
> and shrugged. "Okay, here's a lesson for you. Tell me what
> they're thinking, and how it relates to their personal
> styles. I'll make sure they can't hear us." He began
> forming seals for a concealment jutsu.
Looking back (I've already read this twice, btw), I'm really wondering
what's going on in Kakashi's head. I'm almost certain that at some point
he's going to whip out a can of whoop-ass. On who? I don't know. When? I
don't know. Why? ... That's the problem right there. Kakashi is being set
up to be entirely passive for the duration of this story. He's like an
NPC dispensing knowledge to nudge his charges down the right path. He's
almost passive, except for cloak-and-dagger stuff right now. So, he's got
a major _active_ part later on, right? RIGHT?!!
> Hinata paused, looking at the blond. "He specializes
> in deception tactics, so he's very hard to read. He can
he
> believes he can beat Sasuke, but he mostly practices the most
> deadly techniques because he says it takes more skill to
> leave an enemy alive than to kill them, but the best way to
> live long enough to gain that skill is to leave a trail of
> harmless corpses.
Again, Kakashi doesn't seem surprised at this. Okay, granted, they're
ninja, but his response either indicates a very good poker face, or a
universe substantially different than the one we hold as canon.
> Like pulling a rug out from under someone, Sasuke
> suddenly found his footing unstable. He didn't curse in
> surprise, but he did stumble, making two small splashes as he
> did so, furiously channeling chakra as he tried to regain his
> balance.
Good fight scene. Referential reversal here. Should be 'Like someone
having a rug pulled out from under them,'
> "I acknowledge you as the best of us three at
> leadership. If you have a suggestion, I will give it all due
> consideration," Sasuke proclaimed.
>
> "WHAT!? REA-"
Ooh... sneaky!
> He woke up, finally. He didn't move, didn't stiffen,
> didn't say anything, didn't change his breathing, or give any
> of the other telling signs of awareness. No, I knew he woke
> up when I caught a faint wave of killing intent, quickly
> clamped off.
>
> Hmm, deliberate? Accidental, but noticed? Irrelevant.
> I had already decided to mess with him.
Goody!
> Heh, this was kind of fun. Completely unseemly,
> incredibly degrading, but fun, and oh so completely worth it.
I find it both interesting and entertaining to see a side to Sasuke
that's both playful and sadistic.
>
Seems like he took the freaky route.
w00t!
> I walked on. I thought about shifting one hand and
> squeezing 'her' ass, but I doubt Naruto's surprise would be
> worth having to cut off my own hand.
I dunno... it's almost a fair trade.
> Kakashi-sensei looked at me.
>
> "Was it something I said?" I asked. Mentally, I ticked
> another check. Me two, Naruto zero.
>
> Oh, yeah. I had Naruto's measure.
Phhhbt! I was expecting an exchange of high-fives.
> Caught in the feedback loop, Naruto stiffened like he'd
> just cut a live wire.
>
> Darkness claimed him.
This is a very interesting twist. Loved it.
> And
she hit me again. Probably trained in this
> technique with Naruto. What the hell is it with Naruto and
> his stupid ass ideas on trading blows to the face? I could
> just see the two of them, wrestling with each other out at
> one of the training grounds, trading full force blows to the
> face. It'd be just like Naruto to think that up. And it'd
> be just like Hinata to go along with it.
Umm... isn't that kind of what they _did_ do?
> Kakashi-sensei looked up from his book again. "It kind
> of loses its sting when they're unconscious, you know."
What? Bah!
> Kakashi picked that moment to stand, closing his book
> as he did so. "Well then, so long as we all understand each
> other," he said brightly.
Yeah, I don't know what he's thinking, but I like this Kakashi.
> All of the people, from the stumbling, barely toddling
> along little girl, to the man selling figs and plums under an
> awning, to a curvaceous woman attracting lustful glances, to
> a teenage boy and a teenage girl holding hands
they all had
> his face.
Ok, movie reference!
> "You threatened to kill him?" Naruto asked with a tone
> of mounting shock and disbelief, edging towards anger. "I've
> been cultivating Sasuke since we ended up on a team together,
> and while he's been openly distrustful of me, you were never
> on his threat list! And now you've threatened to kill him?!"
'Good girl! Have a buscuit! Now you'll fit in perfectly with everyone
else who's ever met him. He'll never notice you're there!'
> "I'm sorry, Naruto-sama," she said meekly. "Please
> punish me as you see fit."
H_H!
> Freed from the paralyzing effect of the pain points
> behind her ears, Hinata moaned deep in her throat as she
> collapsed on him, her hands on his jacket, her breath coming
> hot against his throat, and her hips thrusting unconsciously
> against him.
Bonus points!
> He smiled, and it was not a nice one. "My little
> vixen." She preened under his words. "No, no, that's always
> an option, and admittedly, after my unfortunate discovery, it
> was the one I favored for a while. But we will not kill
> allies just because they are dicks. It sets a bad precedent.
> In all likelihood, at least a third of the people we will end
> up having to work with will be assholes who are hard to deal
> with."
Hmm.
> The two of them had caught up and used kawarimi to take
> their doppelgangers' places while Sasuke looked in another
> direction. Kakashi looked up briefly from his book at the
> back of the pack, but Naruto figured that if he didn't say
> anything, it was either approval or tactic permission and,
> either way, quiet. Freed from their masquerade, the clones
> sped ahead to scout.
'tactic permission'? I think you might mean 'tacit permission'. Doesn't
make sense otherwise.
> "Good nose. You need to train it." Kakashi gave him a
> smile mostly hidden behind the mask. "It's cow."
It's what's for dinner.
> "Found the source of the blood," he began without
> preamble. "Barn doors have been smashed open, looks like
> about two, maybe three cows' worth of bits. There's another
> spot just outside the barn where I think a dog died. And
> there's over a dozen separate kill sites in the trees and the
> pastures on the other side of the trees, ranging from about
> as old as the kills in the barn, to pretty damned old, weeks
> at least."
Interestingly, despite this _sounding_ like nothing out of the anime, I
could picture this actually _being_ in the anime. If, you know, they
weren't busy wasting episodes by the truckload on random screaming and
flashbacks that don't pertain to the story at hand...
> Naruto, privately, got a kick out of it. Watching
> Kakashi ponder thoughtfully was a lot like listening to
> Sasuke's say 'hn' instead of real words.
Also a very interesting insight to Naruto's habits that is tastefully
subtle.
> "So we're looking for a really big, really skinny,
> brown bear-thing?" Naruto said dubiously. "You know, I
> always wondered how useful the academy lessons were, but I
> learned them anyway. And now, here we are out in the wide
> world, and, just like I thought, no one covered stuff I would
> actually like to know, like what the hell made this track."
> He shook his head. "It's a damned good thing I studied stuff
> outside the academy lectures, or I'd be feeling pretty
> useless right now. Let's go look at the bloody remains."
The frustrating thing about any investigation is that in the beginning,
nothing makes sense. Let's hear it for realism!
> Naruto shook his head. "Nah, anyone can go nuts and
> slaughter an entire
" He hesitated, looking at Sasuke, then
> continued, "
barn of cows. Takes a little time and some
> effort, but you can get the blood smeared around just fine.
> No, I was talking about the flies. Or, that is, lack of
> them. I have no idea what could scare off flies from a feast
> like this. It's not like the barn was sealed, and the smell
> reached us miles away. Every fly in the surrounding twenty
> miles should be here buzzing around, but I haven't seen a
> single one."
In the next installment of 'People Lie,' the author tries for a simple
horror approach. ;)
> "While ordinarily I find cow to be very tasteful, I
> can't help but think this comes off as rather gaudy and
> gratuitous," Sasuke replied quietly.
How long have you been waiting to use _that_ line?
> No enlightenment was forthcoming.
Typical Kakashi.
> "Actually, they all use chakra. But Pakkun is
> exceptionally gifted with it." Kakashi seemed inordinately
> proud.
Hmm...
> "You are what I need," he countered. "You read me
> better than anyone. You know my moods. When to be
> unnoticed. When to be deadly. When to play. You are my
> left hand, Hinata. You are the one closest to my heart."
Liar! LIAR!
> "There are some tools that leave no marks," Sasuke
> replied with the infinite patience of one who knows better.
> "Imagine the worst thing that ever happened to you. Then add
> the worst things that could ever happen to you." His voice
> lowered. "Now
add the things that couldn't possibly happen
> to you because they're just not possible. If you hurt
> someone too much, they die. But what if you had the ability
> to send them to hell after they die. And then, bring them
> back to life. They'd be grateful, right? But then you hurt
> them until they died again, and then you sent them to hell,
> again. Over and over and over. Death is not a release.
> Being alive is an endless horror." Sasuke's eyes were
> staring, dull, lifeless, and empty, the repressed nightmares
> of another realm replaying itself in his mind.
I thought the single most terrifying aspect of this was simply that you
were being tortured _inside_ your own mind, and there was absolutely no
kind of mental escape from that torture. No chakra, no bloodline limit,
no meditation technique, nothing that can provide even the slightest
buffer between your mind and the madness forcibly imposed on you by the
sharingan user.
Of course, I've never been a victim of it, so I'm hardly and expert...
> Naruto quirked a smile. "If Itachi is so powerful, why
> did he flee the village after he slaughtered your clan? He
> took out a district of unsuspecting off duty ninja, old men,
> women, and children. Then he ran. Imagine, Sasuke, if you,
> after gaining the skill and power you feel you need to be
> able to confront him, tracked him down in some hideout
> somewhere. You confront him. He scoffs at your power. Then
> you, and a dozen of Konoha's best, counter his every move,
> his every plan, and crush him attack by attack. When you
> finally put the blade in his throat, it's a mercy, not a coup
> de grace, and you get to look into his eyes as he realizes
> it."
Good bit of manipulation here. I wonder if Sasuke sees it for what it is,
and if so, what he does about it.
> 20 Lies
>
> 20 truths, People Lie style.
These were brilliant.
1-4: I can read through and nod enthusiastically. Yes, I quite see this
in the original material. But then things take a turn for the strange...
5: This is something I think that a lot of people miss completely. In an
American story, Kakashi would spit out biting insults at unusual moments.
But he isn't American. He's Japanese, and when you're wise beyond your
years and bitter and frustrated, you don't take it out with expeletives,
guns, fast cars, and loose women. You try to imitate a rock, giving
gentle nudges to the firey youths fate has chosen you to gide through the
rocky whitewater rapids we call life.
So... I really had to think about this one.
6: Fairly obvious. Well done.
7: For all that this does make sense, Sakura's outright hesitation tells
of a slightly more balanced character. Or maybe there's just enough guilt
over this little fact that she's still not fully in the clutches of the
dark side.
8: I'd actually say this one is reaching a little bit, but I could have
slept through a few too many episodes, so I'll let it pass.
9 & 10: Pretty straightforward, and refreshing to see, too.
11: Cue the Pink Panther music! I'm honestly stumped here.
12: I would also point out that Hinata appears to be considerably more
sadistic now that she's lost her cherry, so to speak.
13: very cute, almost out-of-place cute.
14: They say it keeps things in perspective. Take from that what you
will, and remember that 'they' are typically powerful men.
15: Hah. This is great. I've often wanted to pry into the dynamic between
these two. It's bound to be funny and a lot more subtle than the average
Bollywood 'buddy movie' dynamic. It'd almost be like... Sasuke working
with Rock Lee?
16: I've always had the strong suspicion, however, that Naruto might meet
an unfortunate end before becoming Hokage (in canon, that is).
17: BUWAHAHAHAHA!
18: Now I have to wonder how this affect Shika's approach to his shinobi
training.
19: Touchy issue. Interesting.
20: This I find quite interesting. I could be here for paragraphs, pages
even, about plans, planning, psychology, and a dozen other apparently
unrelated issues. The key fact revealed by this truth is in and of
itself, not terribly interesting, but the implications say a lot about
the story.
> Remember, every statement is a falsehood.
>
> Some of them are the opposite of truth. Some of them are related to
> the truth only in that
> the person telling the lie wishes the statement was true. Most of them
> have some
> element of truth to it, but the details are misleading and the
> fundamental statement isn't
> true.
>
> As a general rule, if you want to know the truth of things, look at
> the details. A good lie has
> a dozen true, provable details, but they're all twisted to say
> something completely wrong.
> Also, think about who is telling the like, and to whom.
>
> To judge by the list, Naruto lies a lot. Some characters lie because
> they want something.
> Some characters lie to themselves. Some characters get lied to cause
> they're easy marks.
> Some characters lie to influence others. Some characters lie because
> it's funny. But the
> point is, everybody lies sometimes.
>
> Hey, people lie.
>
And this is why I wonder if the list of 20 truths is not itself a list of
carefully crated lies.
Can't wait for more (that's true by the way).
Later,
Rick "stepping on the heels of giants" Spiff
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