10 Things To Say To Keep The Peace
So many big arguments begin with small comments. How many times have you
started a conversation on friendly terms, and then wound up in some kind of
dispute that you didn't anticipate?
In my work as a family, divorce, and small-claims mediator, I've seen
countless offhand remarks start a fight or add fuel to an existing fire. And
I have found myself in plenty of situations where I've wanted to give
someone (my husband, a colleague) what I thought was helpful advice only to
inadvertently offend him or her.
The holidays, with all their extended-family gatherings, can be a verbal
minefield. You're either dodging nosy questions from some tactless relative
over dinner ("Still dieting then?") or taking out the stress of all that
extra cooking and shopping on those dearest to you ("Do I have to do
everything around here?").
It doesn't have to be that bad.
*Use these 10 go-to phrases to defuse potentially volatile conversations*
and help you get through the coming weeks and the months and years to follow
in harmony.
*1. "Thank you for your opinion. I'll think about it. "*When you receive
unsolicited advice at a family gathering, such as Aunt Sylvia's suggestion
that you change your hairstyle, just smile and respond with this casual
conversation terminator. If you're rudely asked a question like "Are you
still single?" don't reply with a lengthy excuse. Say, "Yes, and I'll let
you know if anything changes." The goal is to be polite and end the
conversation. There is no need to be defensive or rude.
*2. "Is this a good time for you?"* Whenever I want my husband's full
attention for a conversation and I don't want to compete with a football
game on TV, I ask this simple question. If he gives me a green light by
saying yes (and turning off the game), I proceed. If he says no, I ask,
"When would be a better time?" We then agree on another time and a fight is
avoided. Consider using this line at work, too. Your boss and coworkers
*3. "Would you like my thoughts?"* One of the biggest complaints kids have
about parents is that they constantly issue orders and judgments. Sometimes
this is a parent's job. But if you are often confronted with an angry
response ("Who made you the authority?" or "It's none of your business"),
you might benefit from dialing back. Ask your child if she wants to hear
what you have to say. If she says yes, it means she is ready to listen. If
she says no, then button your lip. This works for adult family members, too.
*4. "Why don't we get the facts?"* Some people who come to mediation tend to
argue about anything and everything, including things that can be easily
resolved. If you find yourself in a dispute with your brother about the
price of a car or the name of the restaurant you went to over the holidays
last year, state this one-liner, then look up prices online, call a store,
or drive by the restaurant not so one of you can say, "I told you so," but
so you can move on from the discussion before it spirals into a fight.
*5. "I need your help. Can you please?"* People often ask me what they can
say to family members or coworkers who don't assume their share of
responsibility. Here's my simple tip: Rather than accusing the person of
being lazy or inconsiderate, ask her for what you want and be specific.
"Since we both drink coffee, how about if I make the pot and you clean it,
or vice versa?" People are not mind readers.
*6. "Let's wait on this until we have more information".* Know when to table
a discussion. One couple came to me with a dispute that had turned into a
huge problem for them: They were constantly arguing over whether they should
stay in their city apartment or move to a house in the suburbs. The issue
wasn't which choice they should make (they had already agreed they wouldn't
move for three years, or until their oldest child reached school age); it
was that they were having a premature argument. At times like these, it's
important to remind yourself and your conversation partner that it's too
early to discuss the issue. Preferences will change over time, as will
facts, such as home prices.
*7. "What did you mean by that?"* Sometimes asking the right question is all
it takes to avoid an argument. We all make assumptions about other people's
intentions. Asked in a genuinely interested (and not passive-aggressive)
way, this question allows your conversation partner to explain himself
before you jump to conclusions. Only then should you offer your response.
*8. "I don't like that, so why don't we do this instead?"* This is how to
complain with impact. Rather than nagging your mate about a problem, focus
on finding a solution for the future. For example, instead of moaning about
buying all the holiday gifts, suggest that he shop for the men in the family
and you buy for the women or split some other duties.
*9. "I'm sorry you're upset."* When you find yourself frustrated with a
friend or a close family member who didn't take your advice, you desperately
want to say something like "I told you so" or "That was a dumb thing to do."
Don't. Dishing out criticism won't change a thing. A compassionate response
will help you both move forward.
*10. "Let me get back to you."* Everyone needs a prepared comment to delay a
response when he or she is put on the spot. For example, a cousin suggests
you prepare a main course for her potluck Christmas party for 20 people or
the president of the PTA picks you to head a committee for a year. Keep this
line handy at all times, especially during the holiday season. If you don't
want the person to feel as if she is being dismissed, give her a time when
she can expect a response: "Let me get back to you by tomorrow afternoon."
And then make sure that you do.
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