*    *
    One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
    a Christmas gift...

              The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

              When she asked  me why, I replied,

              "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last

              And that's how the fight started.....


              My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
    we were in bed.

              I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

              'No,' she answered. I then said,

              'Is that  your final answer?'

              She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

              So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

              And that's when the fight started...


              I took my wife to a restaurant.

              The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

              "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

              He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

              "Nah, she can order for herself."

              And that's when the fight  started.....


              My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

              I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

              "Yes", she sighed,

              "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

              "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

              And then the fight  started...


              When our lawn mower  broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
    to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of  a clever way to make her point.

              When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

              The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a


               My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

              She asked, "What's on TV?"

              I said, "Dust."

              And then the fight started...


              Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
    lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
    boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would  be bad all day.

              I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped
    into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
    anticipation, and whispered,  "The  weather out there is

              My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
    stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

              And that's how the fight started...


              My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

              She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
    about 3 seconds."

              I bought her a bathroom scale.

              And then the fight started......


              After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to
    for Social Security.

               The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
    verify my age.

              I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

              The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

              So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

              She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

              When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
    the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

              And then the fight  started...


              My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

              She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

              "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need
    to pay me a compliment.'

              I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

              And then the fight started........


    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

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*I believe in God as being creator of all and pray he continues to Bless
America, our Troops & Our Allies.**
*To continue being one nation under God and to keep our freedom, continue
reminding your local and Federal representatives. especially the newly


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