*This collection is tough on drummers -- but, hey, somebody has to do it - lts of oldies but a few new ones.*
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a monkey? A: You can train a monkey. Q: How does a lead singer screw in a light bulb? A: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A: A tattoo. Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a kaleidoscope? A: One produces a random set of patterns designed to entertain a 4 year old and the other you aim at a light source and turn. Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A: The Defendant. Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test? A: Saliva. Q: How do you know when the stage is level? A: When the drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth in equal amounts. Q: Did you hear about the bass player who accidentally locked the keys in his car? A: It took him an hour to get the drummer out. Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run. Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? A: About three decibels. Q: How do you know when a singer is at your door? A: They can't find the key, the knock has no rhythm, and they don't know when to come in. Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by trombone solos. Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead skunk in the road? A: The skunk may have been on the way to a gig. Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval? A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part. Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator. Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A: On or off. Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A: A bad oboist can kill you. Q: Why do people play trombone? A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords? A: A music critic. Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player? A: Upward mobility. Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer. A saying you'll never hear: "That's the banjo player's Porsche." Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed. Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving? A: The policeman. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q: What has 3 legs and an idiot on top of it? A: A drum stool. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon. Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band? A: The drummer. Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so." Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred by the audience. Successful musician: One whose girlfriend (boyfriend) has at least 2 jobs. Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. Relative minor: A Country & Western guitarist's girlfriend. Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again. Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player? A: His amplifier Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five! One to screw it in and four to debate if Neil Peart could do it better. Q: How is a drum kit and a Hoover alike? A: They both have a dirtbag on them. -- http://www.livejournal.com/users/dershem/# _______________________________________________ Finale mailing list [email protected] http://lists.shsu.edu/mailman/listinfo/finale
