1. There is a child with a stuffed rabbit dangled so recklessly over the side of the cruise liner. In recollections, this moment, for her, will seem the way my dreams do, before the alarm rings and I am whisked off to a world where there is so much lost every 8 hours, excepting one hour for lunch, where you may pretend things are not so desperate: Drown this interior with the rest of the world; newspapers, the BBC world service. In these towns, there is no such thing as opportunity; and the rest of them dangle it like that rabbit. You may not vote for yourself in the general election. Play kindly with others, or you will not have this genius that runs straight through every tangled, twisted nerve in your skin. I used to sit on the side of street corners waiting for the light to change, so I could lead you across the street safely. But; you can cross on your own, can't you? Now, there aren't streets left, or, you. Are there still lights left to turn green? Are there still nights where the birds wait for my sleep, to sing? That the sun would take an extra few hours? 2. I want to lose weight. I want a full nights sleep. I want to go outside more often ride a bicycle, learn how to talk to people I want to be able to take naps on green grasses, I want to stop counting dollars and not owe anymore money. I want to be in love, I want to sleep with that warm glow, like when the wind would shake the chimes and the night would fill my chest like steam against my glasses after a shower. I want to eat healthier food, be a better vegan take pictures of people instead of just objects maybe learn a new language, instead of just one third of a conversation in japanese, french, or spanish. I want a job I love and I want to stop caring about money. I don't want prestige but some credit would be nice. I want to be happy and have it last all day; not the small scale explosions that come from a good joke or a perfect song for perfect weather. I want to watch less TV, spend less time on the internet, meet more people, learn how to tap dance, play the piano, gain the courage to dance in public, especially the jitterbug. To ask for a cigarette when you want a cigarette. I want to stop biting my nails and stop being terrified of loneliness. I want to be the person I really am capable of being. I want to stop loving you the way you don't want me to love you. 3. Clocks move too fast to really ever be alive if you are watching them. You are always doing good deeds and it worries me. I like to think I would be in a soup kitchen or affecting some enormous social change, but I pretend that art solves anything, or makes anyone think anymore, or that happiness in the world comes about by my own happiness, if it is responsible happiness, as if I am even capable of really being happy. I live on a beach and still I am usually depressed, and never outside. There must be something wrong. I would love to combine my laziness and neurosis into a calm, energetic stride capable of achieving great things over the long term with a commitment to perfection that could only be accomplished over a period of years, but I am short sighted and bored easily. My fourth grade teacher admitted to my parents that she made the math problems harder when I was at the board and encouraged other students to beat me as a means of competition and teaching me humility. It didn't work, it just convinced me that math was stupid. I'm still not humble enough. Sometime hubris is enough to make sure you are paralyzed. The world maybe, is not good enough for you, so you change yourself to fit it. I'm sure we'd all like to think that isn't so, don't you think? There was a major astronomical event last night, something on par with a planetary alignment where colors would light this whole god damned sky. I was up at five in the morning and I didn't look. I think it's time to get away from whatever it is that is killing me, get away from these stupid jobs, get closer to people, but you are all so far away and stupid jobs are everywhere. -e. _______________________________________________ Five7Five mailing list [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/five7five
