FROM: Re: [langalist] LangaList Standard Edition (2001-01-22)
10) Just For Grins
Here in New Hampshire, we're having one of the best ski seasons in
recent
memory: lots of snow, and in frequent moderate increments to keep the
surfaces fresh and powdery.
Reader Gerry Vrbensky probably isn't from NH -- his ISP is Canadian --
but
his ski tips could be:
Ski Season Warm-Up
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for
half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you
are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure to
wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast
your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
--
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