International
reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration, by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis
of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the:
"Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union Address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the
new group. North Korean leader Kim Jong-il declared "Not only do they have
a really dumb name, but everybody knows we're the best evil."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded, although they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They
told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An axis can't have more than three countries", explained
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three,
and only one secret handshake."
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate
status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs: Cuba, Sudan and
Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing
Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil",
while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much
Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called
the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked
to Host the Olympics".
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of
Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really,
just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't
perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis,
although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose
Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any
Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked
them.
