WAS IT WEN HO LEE OR DR FU MANCHU? September 17, 2000 By Eric S. Margolis NEW YORK - The US government's much ballyhooed case against alleged Chinese master spy Wen Ho Lee collapsed this week. Federal prosecutors, who claimed Lee, a scientist at Los Alamos Laboratories, had given China the `crown jewels' of America's nuclear weapons program, were left with egg foo yung all over their faces. If Lee wasn't the real culprit, then how did China obtain all America's top nuclear secrets? Theory I `Hello. Los Alamos National Nuclear Labs speaking. How may I help you?' `This is the 2nd Bureau, Chinese Ministry of State Security. Do you deliver to Beijing?' `No, we only deliver secret nuclear technology as far as Tel-Aviv and New Delhi. But you can pick-up.' `Great, we've got someone over there right now.' `Do you have our menu?' `Of course, we got a copy right from your main computer.' `Here goes. A dozen W-88 nuclear warheads for starters, you known those long, tapered ones that fit by sixes or eights onto ICBM's. We love American W-88's.' `Next, an order of W-87's, and throw in some W-78's, too. Those 78's, they're the ones where you flip a switch and they go from being thermonuclear to neutron bombs, the kind that kill people but don't damage property, right?' `A half-order of W-77's, a bunch of killer lasers, and a six-pack of missile-guidance systems. They're real good...we use them on all our new ICBM's pointed at the USA.' `Be sure to hold the MSG.' `Sir, customers who are regular contributors to the Democratic Party election campaigns get a free nuclear submarine propulsion kit.' `Contributor? The Chinese People's Government practically bankrolled the Democrats and your great President, Bill Clinton, in the last election. Our contributions flowed like the mighty Yangtze. We also financed Al Gore through that clever Buddhist Temple scheme.' `Great! Being a Buddhist Temple donor gets you a year's free access to CIA files, a White House sleepover, and plans for the Stealth Bomber. ' `Los Alamos, please send extra fortune cookies, the ones with the new F-15 radar designs, and those nifty handi-wipes to get rid of greasy fingerprints. We sure love American takeout!' Theory II Ministry of State Security, Foreign Intelligence Commissar Marshall Wu Hobang `Greetings, Doctor Fu Manchu. A thousand years of life! You have surpassed even yourself by obtaining all the imperialist warmonger's nuclear secrets and framing a fool of a running dog Taiwanese named Wen Ho Lee. ' `Yes, Comrade Marshall, my special agents - I call them Brides of Fu Manchu - bribed or seduced the stupid, corrupt American leaders. It is amazing. For a few paltry dollars or some pillow-play you can buy anyone in Washington. `You should have seen the American Commander-in-Chief quiver and sweat when agent Lotus Blossom ran her long red nails down his chest. `Actually, we've been priming him for years. Our agent X9-21, who runs a Cantonese restaurant in Little Rock, has been regularly slipping extract of bear testicles and ground Yaofung bark into his takeout pork chow mein ...which produce uncontrollable lust and idiotic behavior. Maybe we didn't even need to. Western devils have no control of their bodies or minds.' `I salute you, Comrade Fu, on your most glorious triumph over the evil white ghosts. We invented gunpowder and rockets. You have repossessed from the thieving imperialists that which belongs by right to the heroic, peace-loving Chinese people.' `A ton of the purest imperial jade shall be delivered at once by yak to your palace in Tibet.' Theory III Home of US Energy Secretary Bill Richardson `Honey, where's that CD with all our nuclear secrets? `I don't know, dear. You left it on the coffee table last week. I saw our son copying them onto the Internet to impress his school pals.' Theory IV White House - Underground Meeting Room. CIA Director George Tenant. `Mr President, on behalf of CIA, Energy and Taiwanese intelligence, I'm proud to announce Operation Charlie Chan has been a total success. `Our joint Agent Wen Ho Lee managed to pass all the doctored nuclear weapons plans to Chinese agents. Hidden in the warhead algorithms are secret subtexts that will cause nuclear detonation as soon as missile engines are ignited. Those rice rangers will be in for a shockaroonie if they ever launch at us. ' `By George, that's great! Now, one small further favor. Do you think CIA could get back some....uh...err...compromising photos taken of me with a real cute exchange student from Shanghai named Lotus Blossom? Maybe you could swap them to the Chinese for some top secret tire technology from Firestone.' Theory V Taiwan National Security Bureau, Taipei Director Li Shin-kok `A toast to our glorious service. Our brilliant agent Wen Ho Lee has sold the doctored American nuclear data to the stupid renegades in Peking, who paid $1.2 billion into a numbered Swiss bank account that I control. Then agent Lee sent us the correct nuclear data.' `We will use these blueprints and money to build Taiwan's nuclear arsenal and vaporize those Maoist scum. Then we return to the mainland! Death to communist dogs! Long live our beloved Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek! 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