glen wrote:
Why does the "how do you like THEM apples?" scene from Good Will Hunting come to mind?Ultimately, I find the brash posture of Boston Bros a bit refreshing ... it's more like Texas here and very unlike the OR and WA places I've lived. But it's nice to know I still have strategies other than tit-for-tat, including those that rely on teasing out some latent structure I can use to my benefit.
I got my best taste of East-Coast brashness a few decades ago, driving through New England. I bought a fountain soda after getting gas and as I often do, left an inch of room from the top for tippage and took no lid or straw. I like to drink my soda (or unsweet ice tea today) straight from the lip of the single-use cup (paper over plastic over foam preferred). The very friendly 30ish guy at the counter takes my money, gives me my change and then thrusts a straw across the counter at me and says "here, have a straw!". I say "thanks, I don't need one" pushing it back his way politely. He then fairly aggressively pushes it back at me and says "no, you keep it!". So I do.
My "polite" exchange instincts left me giving him a goofy grin and walking out with the straw in one hand and the uncapped drink in the other. I barely had any instinct to tit-for-tat him with "No, YOU keep it!" which I suspect he would have accepted/respected. I also found myself wanting to drop the straw in the trash in his sight, but it just felt disrespectful? Not so much to him, but somehow to the straw? I think I even carried it into my vehicle and probably discarded it later after it got some road-wear.
As you can tell, I was totally out of my depth with this interaction. You might also notice that it still sticks with me (in my craw I suppose?). Today I would probably have the presence of mind *not* to touch the straw and just smile and say nothing, leaving it in place... most respecting the straw and the helpful (albeit aggressive) clerk.
Today I have virtually no energy or focus for active engagement with people I don't know... I suppose if am growing into the "grump old man" archetype. Acquaintances I encounter regularly (service help, lifeguards at the pool we frequent, etc) I give all the positive body language I can, a little eye contact, some muttered niceties, but (I suspect) to their relief I don't force small talk on them or feed them my minor grievances as no small number of my peers seem to. Some do it with enough charm these staff seem to actually enjoy the engagement (maybe no more than I enjoyed having a straw thrust back at me after declining it once?) others just leave a wake for mild frowns and blank stares. I used to feel like "everyone's parent/uncle" in these, now I feel like their elderly grandparent (which is baseline less deferential but also less hostile, sometimes openly patient and patronizing).
Where it matters, I do find I can still rise to some level of projecting my personal energy into the group (usually just pairwise) and set some kind of impedance baseline... The two examples you give from Boston are so far in my past they are but a fuzzy dream!
- Steve
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