Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96
year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous
New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )
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