NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong
to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the president.
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