MOM - JOB DESCRIPTION
POSITION TITLE :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight
travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the
quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance
and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no
paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards
right.
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