YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN....
* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
* You were born somewhere else.
* You know how to eat an artichoke.
* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
* Your car has bulletproof windows.
* Left is right and right is wrong.
* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
* Your mouse has only one ball.
* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
* You drive to your neighborhood block party.
* Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
* Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
* More than clothes come out of the closets.
* When 'the Dead' are best live.
* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
* Smoking in your office is not optional.
* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
* When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
* All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a
wetsuit for the beach.
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